What happened to roasting teachers online?
New York Times discovers Trump voters still have self-esteem issues, Zach Smith launches a podcast, and more.
It’s been over 24 hours, and I’m still disgusted with the Game of Thrones finale. Every Lord of Westeros just accepting the crippled Tumblr teen they met 10 minutes ago as king while his imperious sister gets to rule a new, independent kingdom as well?
I’m embarrassed for every writer involved. I’m going to pretend HBO cancelled the series after Season 6, and I’m at peace knowing I have a better chance of finishing the final two books to the Song of Ice and Fire series than George R.R. Martin, who has no pages and is too busy blogging about the New York Giants.
The lesson, as always, is to never care about anything.
THE MOST DISGUSTING CREPES EVER MADE
Social media amplifies the worst traits in people, and I only know that because Twitter has rotted my brain into a depressive toxic waste dump unseen since Chernobyl exploded seven months before my birth.
I did a lot of stupid shit in middle and high school, though I never tried to poison my teachers. Had I attempted something so foolish, I think I would have at least had the sense not to videotape my friends and me cumming into crepe batter. But it’s hard to say since we didn’t have the option unlike the Zoomers.
From Dan Narciso of dispatch.com:
POWELL — Charges could be filed against at least two Olentangy Local middle school students who shared video of themselves claiming to put bodily fluids into food eaten by several teachers.
The incident took place Thursday at Hyatts Middle School, where a home economics class had prepared crepes for teachers to judge as part of a year-end project.
….
The video was found after the food had been eaten and administrators immediately contacted a school resource officer. The video reportedly describes, or shows, both urine and semen being added to the crepes.
Whited said a forensic analysis of evidence will be conducted. She declined to give details. “The only way we’ll really know (what happened) is to get lab results,” she said.
If this happened at a school poorer (and/or browner) than Olentangy, these kids would already be in a cage with felony charges on their heads.
Whatever happened to venting against your tyrannical teachers by simply writing “Mrs. Pannett’s Spanish class sucks ass. Doing homework, ttyl,” as your away message on AOL Instant Messenger? My teachers never knew how easy they had it.
I’m now terrified of our incomin overlords. We were all at that age of taking 45-minute showers in middle school, but at least we had the modesty to make fun of everyone else for jacking off while pretending we were having sex.
Making videos of the act and then poisoning teachers with semen is a level of savagery that frankly perturbs me.
NEW YORK TIMES GOES ON SAFARI OF TRUMP VOTERS, FINDS RACISM IS STILL HELLUVA DRUG
Youngstown, Ohio is a city in Northeastern Ohio with a 49% Black and Hispanic population, so it makes sense the New York Times used the town’s name in a headline before interviewing three Trump cultists in a diner outside of Youngstown as proof that President Deals still has swagger in a county Hillary Clinton won by 3%.
From Trip Gabriel of newyorktimes.com:
“What I want from a president is the rest of the world to look at him and go, ‘Don’t mess with that guy, he will get even,’” Mr. Franks said one morning in the Yankee Kitchen in Vienna Township, Ohio. “I don’t want kinder, gentler. I don’t want some female that wants her agenda.”
…
Amy Giovannone, 51, an oil and gas consultant and an Army veteran, said Mr. Trump’s habitual false statements did not bother her (“all politicians are pathological liars”), and she rejected the idea that the president won because of demeaning insults he directed at Mexicans and Muslims.
“That is ridiculous to think he was voted in because he used that kind of language; I am the furthest person from prejudiced,” she said.
“Here’s my thing: I cannot deal with the sympathy for illegal immigrants,” she said. “My grandparents both came over from Italy. They worked for their citizenship. They were poor, they had to farm, they did everything right.”
Tom Mauerman, 54, a foreman at an aluminum extrusion plant, said: “People pouring over the border is unacceptable. We’re funding everybody on the planet. I’m tired of it.”
Just more proof that anyone who says something like “I’m the furthest person from prejudiced” is about to launch some absolutely racist shit out of their mouth. (Other warning signs include, “I don’t see color,” or “I don’t care if you’re Black, White, Purple or [a bunch of other colors that don’t exist on people].)
We’re in Year 3 of these articles, and I’m still waiting on one — just one — national article on Democratic voters in Trump Country who have something more valuable and insightful to say than racist or sexist comments.
We get it: It’s an esteem issue with Trump voters at this point. They have strapped themselves to the mast and are content to go down with the ship. Any reporter still pitching these articles — “Look, uh, I want to go to Trump Country, find a diner, and ask Trump voters if they are going to vote for Elizabeth Warren now” — should be laughed out of any self-respecting editor’s office.
DEWINE DEMANDS STATE LEGISLATURE CRACKS DOWN ON RAPISTS A MONTH AFTER ENSHRINING THEIR FATHERHOOD RIGHTS INTO LAW
Well, it only took the largest scandal in college sports history, but Ohio could finally move to eliminate the statute of limitations on sex crimes, which is undeniably a good thing.
From Laura Bischoff of daytondailynews.com:
COLUMBUS — In the wake of the Ohio State University report on the sexual abuse of 177 students over nearly 20 years, Gov. Mike DeWine on Monday called on lawmakers to extend or wipe out the statute of limitations on sex crimes.
DeWine weighed in on OSU’s report that Dr. Richard Strauss sexually abused students in his care over his 19-year career on campus and that university administrators failed to report the conduct to police.
“We should all be disgusted. Every Ohioan should be disgusted and should be angered about what’s happened,” DeWine said. “Not only by the vile acts perpetrated by Richard Strauss, but also they should be angered that complaints and reports about this sexual abuse were not reported to higher authorities by the (OSU) athletic department or Ohio State University health center until 1996 — more than 15 years after the first reports were in fact received.”
The catch is the State Legislature’s sketchy history on rape. In this past session alone, the Legislature passed a law that forced rape victims to carry their rapist’s baby to term and refused to outlaw marital rape, which would have made it illegal for a husband to rape his wife whenever he pleases.
So no, the idea the Legislature will be quick to act on what should be a slam-dunk, bipartisan issue is no sure thing.
MENACE 2 SOBRIETY PODCAST LAUNCHES
Give disgraced Ohio State wide receivers coach Zach Smith this much: He said he would became the latest White man with a beard to produce a podcast, and he has done just that.
Smith launched his podcast yesterday, and I listened to a full hour because my days consist of trolling the darkest corners of the internet to entertain my beloved readers five days a week.
The first episode wasn’t as much as a train wreck as you might expect from the guy who hours later angrily vlogged from a children’s softball game about divorced dad rights.
The format is Smith and some stooge whose primary job is to say “uh huh,” “that’s wild,” and laugh whenever Smith cracks a joke.
Here are some moments that stick out to me after listening hours ago:
He begins with a story about coming home from a recruiting trip to the Woody Hayes Athletic Center, where he found OSU president Michael Drake receiving fellatio from an “unidentified male” in the player’s lounge. Smith then immediately clarified he made up the story to prove how modern media works, because if he hadn’t admitted that everyone would have believed him and Drake would have been forced to issue a statement. (This is called “slander” in the normal world and Smith would’ve been sued into oblivion.)
He launched into a pre-written statement about his “psycho ex-wife” and how he planned to change the court system, which is unfair to mentally unstable dads such as himself.
He played audio of what he claimed was an airline attendant admitting to fucking Texas coach Tom Herman. Said said the sex was “ewww” but commended Herman’s wife for her “OK, Cool. Hook ‘em” shirt by saying, “Ok, cool. I fucked your husband” as if that was something to be proud about. How Smith has this woman’s number after all these years was left unclear.
Smith gave searing insights into Michael Thomas, saying “he was built different” and had such desires of wanting to be an All-American at Ohio State.
Aaron Hernandez was “a complex guy” that Smith will detail in later episodes despite not being his position coach.
Urban Meyer told Smith he planned for him to be a head coach in three years months before he fired him.
Claimed former offensive coordinator Ed Warinner single-handily cost Ohio State a national title in 2015 while saying nothing about the man who hired Warinner to coordinate the offense.
More self-important ranting and raving about being a victim of a psycho ex-wife who “weaponized” his kids to get back at him.
Again, Smith didn’t deliver any of the dirt besides repeating Tom Herman cheated on his wife (something Smith admitted he also did within the first 20 minutes of the podcast) for the 100th time, while also airing his family’s dirty laundry and promising more bombshells in the later episodes.
This podcast will go, like, five episodes max before Smith runs out of “epic stories” about the time he used to be a position coach, at which point he will devolve into a dad’s rights activist usually found posting on the underbelly of Reddit.
His sycophantic, low-traveling allies in the Buckeye media will be right there cheering him on, too, because they’re deranged little trolls who love the taste of leather boots on their tongues.
POSSIBLE BANKSY SPOTTED IN COLUMBUS?
[via @Leighwilder42]
I lovee living in Columbus, but damn if it’s not depressing walking around downtown looking at all the two-bedroom, $3,500-a-month apartments going up on every block.
I don’t know who put this graffiti on a construction wall, but I end this dispatch by tilting my cap in their direction for cutting to the core of Columbus’ housing problems.
THOSE WMDs. Losing religion and finding ecstasy in Houston… Border agent calls immigrants “subhuman,” “savages” in text messages… Civilians with PTSD struggle to find effective therapy… 3-D printed guns are back, and this time they’re unstoppable… Westeros is screwed… In cities where it once reigned, heroin is disappearing.