Where the Hell is the Rooster?
It's a question of our times, really.
My therapist kept badgering me about getting a part-time job that would get me out of the house and keep me from doom-scrolling Twitter. Of course serving drinks is the only other job I’m for which I’m qualified other than typing sentences on the internet for strangers.
The job has been a great way to meet fellow freaks in the Bottoms. I can’t go anywhere anymore without someone shouting me out. I also can’t work a shift without my customers buying me five to ten shots of Tito’s Handmade Vodka.
This is the dream of every alcoholic. Unfortunately not all of them have to go home and type a newsletter.
Anyway, that’s what happened last night. We tried to trap Flowerpot — the feral cat that sleeps in the flowerpot built into my porch — and that motherfucker broke out of the trap like beast he is. Next thing I know, I’m back at The Patio and Hilliard Neil is feeding me shots.
In the olden days I would have simply typed through the haze. I used to think a few drinks made me a better writer. I’ve learned since that was only excuse to drink more. Last night I decided to take my loss and publish yet another letter late.
DO AS WE SAY, NOT AS WE DO
My childhood friend fatally overdosed last winter. We were unable to have a proper funeral service for him due to the state’s ban on large gatherings in response to the coronavirus outbreak.
It was a bitter pill to swallow but it made sense. The success of our response depended on collective sacrifice.
Months later, I’m working in a bar. As such, I have relaxed my social distancing standards because otherwise I would be driven (even more) insane by paranoia. I am resigned to eventually catching coronavirus.
That said, cases are not even trending downward. The Big Ten won’t allow fans at Ohio State games. The governor will only allow 10% capacity at Browns and Bengals games. Again, this is sensible social policy.
But of course the rules are different when the God Emperor of the Republican party wants to try to kill a few hundred of his voters.
From Matt Westerhold of sanduskyregister.com:
The DeWine administration gave the green light to President Donald Trump late Tuesday saying it would not enforce social distancing, crowd size limitations or the state's mask mandate if Trump comes to Ohio and holds a political rally.
"President Trump is always welcome in Ohio," Melanie Amato, a press secretary for the Ohio Department of Health told the Register after deadline on Tuesday. "While we are encouraging the limit of 10 people on mass gatherings, political rallies are protected by the First Amendment and are exempt."
DeWine declined to address questions the Register sent him after an indoor Trump rally in Henderson, Nevada, on Sunday drew thousands of Trump supporters, most of whom did not wear masks, did not social distance, and were gathered in defiance of crowd size limitations set forth in public health orders in that state. Ohio has similar orders.
DeWine's spokesman also did not respond to questions or provide comment.
When politicians can’t even comment on their decisions, it lets you know they know they’re full of shit to the point they can’t even spin it.
The consensus was that DeWine brokered a primary election deal with his Lt. Governor John Husted in which DeWine would retire after one term and allow Husted to run.
DeWine’s ego must have gotten the better of him since then. He must be planning to run for another term, because why else would he succumb to the demands of our drug-addled president?
Not that I’m mad about it. If the President wants to put his elderly voters at risk to coronavirus exposure, I say go for it. I’ve seen what coronavirus does to people and the people that think it’s “just the flu” or whatever are in for the dawg check of the century.
WE’RE GOING TO LOSE TO A 23-YEAR-OLD ROOKIE
My first thought this morning was, “Fuck the Rooster is crowing late today.” My second thought was, “Oh my God the Browns are going to get fucked up on national television more than I did last night on Tito’s Handmade Vodka.”
From Ben Baby and Jake Trotter of espn.com:
In a Thursday night matchup, which pits Burrow's Cincinnati Bengals against Mayfield's Cleveland Browns (8:20 p.m. ET, NFL Network), the two quarterbacks face off in a reinvigorated in-state rivalry. Both look to position perennial losing teams as the primary challenger to the Baltimore Ravens' and Pittsburgh Steelers' long-held dominion over the AFC North division.
"They both had a ton of success at the college level," [Oklahoma Sooners head coach Lincoln] Riley said. "Two high-quality players who are going to be two strong leaders for those organizations."
In recent decades, the Battle of Ohio has featured two of the NFL's most woeful franchises. The Browns haven't reached the playoffs in 18 years and the Bengals have not won a postseason game since 1991. Both respective droughts are the longest of their kind in the league.
To change those fortunes, both franchises are banking their young quarterbacks will find their way.
ESPN analyst and former NFL quarterback Dan Orlovsky said he has high expectations for both QBs. And while Burrow and Mayfield are both exciting players who are accurate passers, Orlovsky said, the way each player approaches the game is vastly different.
If the Browns get humiliated by the Bengals — and I feel sorry for any Browns fan who doesn’t think that’s possible — tomorrow’s dispatch will simply be a video of me pouring gasoline on my head and setting myself aflame in the middle of Sullivant Avenue.
RARE SIGHTING OF REPUBLICAN ON REPUBLICAN VIOLENCE
My favorite part of Republican ethos is when they accuse their opponents of doing things that they themselves do. We saw this in action yesterday when a Franklin County judge ruled against Frank LaRose’s arbitrary decision to limit counties to one(!) ballot drop box in the middle of a pandemic.
Jane Timken, the chairman of the Ohio Republican Party (fun fact: ORP bylaws dictate it’s always a chairman, regardless of the leader’s gender), herself a Harvard graduate lawyer, accused the judge of colluding with the Ohio Democratic Party. This is hilarious because ODP is not competent enough to do anything of that nature. It’s less humorous because it’s exactly how Republicans in this state operate.
Unfortunately for Timken, Trumpian politics don’t square with the ethical standards of her profession.
From Laura Hancock of cleveland.com:
COLUMBUS, Ohio – Ohio Chief Justice Maureen O’Connor sharply criticized the Ohio Republican Party Wednesday for a statement it sent out the day before, calling a lower-court judge partisan.
Shortly after Franklin County Common Pleas Judge Richard Fry, a Democrat, ruled Tuesday that Republican Secretary of State Frank LaRose’s rule to limit the number of ballot drop boxes to one in each county was arbitrary, the Republican Party released a statement. It read, in part: “After the corruption and deceit we have seen from Ohio Democrats, it comes as no surprise to discover they have colluded with a Democrat Common Pleas Court judge regarding a ruling on ballot drop boxes,” it said.
O’Connor, a Republican who before serving on Ohio’s high court was lieutenant governor from 1999 to 2002, serving with former GOP Gov. Bob Taft, didn’t mince words about the statement.
“Every one of Ohio’s 722 judges, 800 magistrates, and numerous active-retired judges should be greatly concerned and voice their dismay at the irresponsible Republican Party allegation that politics controlled the judge’s decision,” she said in a statement. “This is a blatant and unfounded attack on the independence of the Ohio judiciary.”
Get a good look at that statement, folks. You rarely see Republicans rebuke Republicans like that in Ohio. Just remember that none of this applies to Donald Trump.
TEEN PLEADS GUILTY TO KILLING WOMAN IN HOCKING HILLS
A year ago, I commented on a story about a photographer being killed by a fallen log in Hocking Hills. I speculated that it was either an act of incalculable misfortune or the act of a dipshit teen in a “prank” gone horribly wrong. Sadly I was right.
From wfmj.com:
A teenager has admitted helping to push a log off a cliff that struck and killed a married mother of four who was taking photographs at an Ohio state park.
Jaden Churchheus, 17, pleaded guilty Wednesday to involuntary manslaughter in the death of 44-year-old Victoria Schafer. Under terms of a plea agreement, prosecutors dropped murder and reckless homicide charges against him.
Schafer was taking photos at the foot of the stairs at Old Man's Cave in Hocking Hills State Park on Sept. 2, 2019 when Churchheus and another teen pushed the log, which weighed 74 pounds (33 kilograms), off a cliff at the top of the stairs, the Ohio Department of Natural Resources said.
A judge recommended Churchheus serve a minimum of 3 years in a juvenile detention facility when he is sentenced.
Three years in juvenile detention might sound like a lax sentence if you have never spent a day in jail. I did three days back in 2012, and it felt like three years. I could not imagine serving three years.
IT’S TIME TO TAX CHURCHES
A certain flavor of Christian in this country want to believe so bad that they’re persecuted. Living in Ohio means that our governor wants to extend them a fig leaf as part of the largely ceremonial legislation he has signed since the coronavirus outbreak.
From Kim Schupp of fox19.com:
CINCINNATI (FOX19) - Gov. Mike DeWine signed House Bill 272 into law which will prohibit any public official from closing places of worship in the state.
“During the COVID-19 pandemic, we have seen several states encroach on Americans' First Amendment right of worship and assembly, disregarding it completely by forcing the closure of places of worship and religious institutions,” State Senator Terry Johnson (R-McDermott) said. “While I am thankful that no such order was imposed in Ohio, this amendment is a preemptive step should we ever find ourselves in this situation again. I appreciate my colleagues' support of this important protection and I thank Governor DeWine for signing it into law today.”
The provision protecting the freedom to worship was added to House Bill 272 in response to a number of “stay at home orders” throughout the country during the COVID-19 pandemic.
Unemployed people trying to navigate our intentionally broken unemployment insurance system? You’re still up shit’s creek without a paddle. Same for struggling small businesses. Our state’s priority is assuring Christians they can still put themselves at risk to a novel virus in a pandemic.
LET’S END ON A LAUGH
I have no room to shame anyone for mispronouncing or misusing words. However, I was not in any way prepared for “Da Vinky.” It will haunt me for as long as I live.
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