You heard it here second folks!
Fake gender reveal parties, an Ice Age artifact, THE Ohio State University and more.
Oh God well big welcome to new subscribers thanks to the generosity of @Plunderbund signal-boosting Ohioโs most humble newsletter.
Put this on my tombstone please:
Itโs me your tour guide the one that used the word murder like eight times in three paragraphs yesterday as if thatโs at thing people enjoy.
Bad time to announce but Iโm spending two of my remaining eight vacation days in 2019 by going to Tulum Mexico this weekend with a Colombian woman who definitely likes me for my good looks and debonair charm and I need mad Mexican pesos so please consider subscribing for $5 a month or $30 a year or sending $20 and your email to @warrengharding on Venmo and service will return to normal next Wednesday.
To repeat please advance me vacation expenses to make my life easier in writing off my taxes and Iโll get you back starting Wednesday the 21st after I take Monday and Tuesday off due to how hard Iโve worked this year.
The newcomers undoubtedly heard this is an uplifting newsletter where we discuss only good things. Today we salute new Ohio resident Yasiel Puig the one good and righteous baseball player.
For those unfamiliar Puig weathered the figurative and literal storm to come to America. Maybe one day America will provide a similarly smooth path to citizenship for immigrants who arenโt multimillion-dollar baseball players.
Also you might not know your river guide is from Marion Ohio the City of Kings and if youโre ever traveling through the blessed city be sure to turn to the only 24/7 blues station in the state:
Ah well now that the charade is over Iโm sorry to report this newsletter is actually the work of chronic depressive.
DRUG ASSASSINATIONS AT FAKE GENDER REVEAL PARTIES NEVER GO AS PLANNED
The creator of the gender reveal party recently declared it was a stupid idea.
I could have told her that but she never asked and nevertheless a woman in Cincinnati staged a fake gender reveal party that has led to four indictments.
From Sarah Brookbank, Cameron Kight and Kevin Grasha of cincinnati.com:
A Columbus man has been charged in connection with the fake gender-reveal party shooting that killed one and injured eight in Colerain Township in 2017.ย
Vandell Slade, 30, has been charged with murder, attempted murder andย felonious assault,ย according to an indictment filed Wednesday in Hamilton County Common Pleas Court.
Three other men were charged in the shooting in December.
On July 8, 2017, Autum Garrett, 22, was shot and killedย at a supposed gender-reveal party for Cheyanne Willis, who wasย 21.ย Colerain policeย eventually determined they were dealing with witnesses who hadย connections to more than one drug ring.
Willis was the target of the shooting and declared shortly thereafter to media she had lost a fetus after getting shot in the thigh yet cops quickly announced she admitted she wasnโt actually pregnant at the time.
Sounds about right. I have never been invited to a gender reveal party and that streak looks like it will continue into 2020.
BACK IN THE DAY OHIOโS BIG FURRY CREATURES COULDNโT PASS LAWS
Lived in Ohio damn near my whole life and somehow Iโm just hearing about Millersburg the town east of Mansfield where apparently mammoths used to roam.
From Kaylyn Hlavaty of news5cleveland.com:
MILLERSBURG, Ohio โ While playing in the creek during a family reunion at Honey Run in Millersburg, located in Holmes County, a boy found mammoth tooth dating back to the Ice Age on July 26.
Jason Nies, who owns the Inn at Honey Run, 6920 County Road 203, said one of his cousin's sons, Jackson, found the fossil while playing in the creek.
โHis dad and his uncle are both really into natural history and understanding nature," Nies said. "They quickly jumped online and were Googling it, and that's when we quickly found out this might be a mammoth or a mastodon tooth."
Nies said the tooth was found in a creek tributary, but it wasn't buried, just laying there on the side.
Lived in this state damn near my whole life and have never discovered a mammoth tooth that was subject of viral articles from national outlets.
Iโm not saying this is a government false flag though I am saying itโs curious prehistorical creatures are currently serving throughout state government and itโs odd Iโm hearing about this one as if itโs news.
TROLL HARDER IF YOUโRE GOING THROUGH HELL
I partied my way out of Ohio State and that makes me infinitely more qualified than any of these goddamn nerds whining because the Buckeyesโ trademark trolls taking a swing at trademarking the most common word in the English language.
From Joe Blundo of dispatch.com:
I hope you donโt mind the informality. I know that your formal name isย Theย Ohio State University -- which is exactly why Iโm writing to you.
For heavenโs sake, stop using thatย The.
It sounds arrogant and is easily mocked.
Theย Dayton Daily Newsย proved as much with its front-page headline last week after the University of Dayton upset OSU in the NCAA basketball tournament: โTHE University of Dayton,โ the newspaper brayed in big type.
Ouch.
Yes, I know: When the state legislature officially renamed the school in 1878, it specified that the Ohio Agricultural and Mechanical College would henceforth be known as The Ohio State University.
So what? Tina Fey was born Elizabeth Stamatina Fey. Bolivia is officially the Plurinational State of Bolivia. You donโt hear them insisting that they be called exactly whatโs on their birth certificates.
Cool story nerd. How many College Football Playoffs has your university won? Not many most likely.
Cincinnati Enquirer: โโTheโ Ohio State University is a bit arrogant, insecure isnโt it?โ
Detroit Free Press: โHey, Ohio State: Trying to steal the word 'THE' makes you greedy.โ
USA Today: โOhio State has market corned on THE dumbest ideas."
Seems like a bunch of sex-havers that have the pulse of the world.
If you want to support a good OSU project please consider this one:
Cincinnati bums about to be sick when me and my goons pull up to the Shoe as we locals call it while wearing โTHEโ branded hats and drinking FourLoko 14% spiked seltzers.
THE SQUAREST STATE IN THE UNION MOVES TO OUTLAW ANOTHER PLANT
The Ohio Legislature recently decriminalized possession of 200 grams of marijuana or less when they legalized hemp.
That means that they have to do something equally uncool to balance the tao.
It looks like Kratom is on the chopping block.
From Kaitlin Schroeder of daytondailynews.com:
The state could ban a herbal supplement next month that would effectively make it against the law to possess the product.
The Ohio Board of Pharmacy delayed making a decision last week on whether to regulate kratom as a Schedule 1 controlled substance โ the same category as heroin and LSD.
Advocates and kratom retailers have touted the product as a healing herb and shared personal stories of life changing benefits, while medical groups have cited health risks and supported the proposed ban. The FDA has said that kratom marketers are making unproven claims that put consumers at risk.
Kratom, or mitragyna speciosa, is a plant native to Thailand, Malaysia, Indonesia and Papua New Guinea. It is now available and for sale in Ohio and has grown in popularity in recent years.
By 2050 Ohio is going to resemble an obscure Japanese island after World War II in that itโs going to be controlled by a fanatic militant wing of zealots accidentally defending a way of life that has been lost for a decade.
TOP COP SAYS HIS FRIEND DID NOT DO A SCANDAL
Ohio recently made national headlines for granting its drivers license database to the FBIโs facial recognition dragnet.
It might sound alarming to you as a regular person but thereโs nothing to worry about according to Ohioโs top cop that is also friends with the guy who was in charge of making sure your sensitive personal data wasnโt abused in the first place.
From Liz Skalka of toledoblade.com:
Attorney General Dave Yost suspended access to Ohioโs facial-recognition databases for 4,500 law enforcement officers following a national report that revealed federal agencies are mining state databases without peopleโs consent.ย
Mr. Yost said Wednesday his officeโs review of Ohioโs facial-recognition system found โzero evidenceโ of abuse, although he said the officers who use it going forward will require training.
โThe bottom line is there were no dragnets, there was no mass surveillance, and in fact all the federal agencies that accessed the facial recognition system represented [less than 4 percent] of those searches,โ Mr. Yost said.ย โThe things that were implied in that Washington Post story were not true as they apply to Ohio.โ
Mr. Yostโs briefing was in response to a Post report in July that revealed the FBI, ICE, and other federal agencies were using state driverโs license databasesย to conductย facial-recognition searches and surveillance. The use of this data by federal authorities has never been authorized by Congress or state legislatures and has been denounced by civil rights groups.
โIt wasnโt a dragnetโ depends entirely on your definition of a dragnet.
Ah! Wellโฆ neverthelessโฆ
WHY MY TEAM DOESNโT SUCK ACTUALLY
I intended for The Rooster to be a sports thing 50% of the time but the politically poisoned people overran my subscription list.
I will never betray my roots and I am thankful to welcome the politically minded people to my Super Bowl Browns newsletter.
From Browns fan Devon via Drew Magary of deadspin.com:
White people in Northeast Ohio, residing exclusively in white flight suburbs (NOT CLEVELAND), have become so radicalized by Trump that my parents no longer have friends who are not full-on Nazis.
These are people who protested the Vietnam War who now get mad at the mere existence of black people even though they do not know any.
The Browns are the only topic available for me to have a conversation with these mutants/family friends because theyโre mad the Indians ditched the vile Chief Wahoo and LeBron James had the goddamn temerity to leave โusโ for a real city (again, they donโt live in Cleveland).
The Browns are the only thing tying me to the most despicable human swine in America. I cannot wait for the season to start!
I cannot contest the notion my Browns fandom connects me to the most despicable human swine in America. But I wonโt apologize for saying the Browns will win the Super Bowl this year.
If that makes me an idiot Iโd rather be that guy than the one who predicts nothing but bad things to befall his favored football team in the fall.
Coward life will never be me.
THOSE WMDs. At sleep-away camps, a summer of surveillanceโฆ The importance of county fairsโฆ Lessons from a โlocal foodโ scam artistโฆ A Mexican hospital, an American surgeon and a $5,000 check (yes, a check)โฆ Somethingโs brewing in the Deep Red Westโฆ Jia Tolentino wants you to read childrenโs books.