Back in the saddle and ready to ride
An HB-6 player gets his passport back, Gary Click learns Stan Chera lore, LifeWise Academy finally gets sued, and more as The Rooster resumes regularly scheduled service.
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It was the best of times and the worst of times.
I went five days without tweeting, which might be a record since 2009.
I’m pretty sure a vein in my brain almost popped when I realized I couldn’t immediately tweet about the dipshit motorists who drove two nice signs that Whitehall officials sagely placed in the middle of Main Street for some reason.
I took those pictures Saturday afternoon. By the time of this writing (9:24 p.m. Sunday night), another picture of a Columbus motorist lookin’ good started circulating on Columbus-themed social media:
I can’t say that I’m surprised a motorist flipped their car at the intersection of Northwest Boulevard and Fifth Avenue in Grandview.
But now, pics like this will always include an obligatory, “Hey, at least it didn’t crash into a building!!!!!” until the inevitable next time a Columbus motorist with questionable sobriety destroys a beloved small business.
For 50 years, we have based our road system on the lowest-common-denominator drivers. And they still can’t handle the simple task of driving at the appropriate speed in a straight line without ruining a public works project.
But enough about my personal grievances against drivers. Let’s talk about a real issue affecting everyday Americans: the manhunt for the knave that nicked my bicycle.
Have you seen my stolen bike?
Yes, it happened to me. I was a victim of big-city crime! In broad daylight, a ruthless rogue stole my beloved bike, Holy Roller, off a porch in Central Hilltop.
The best way to rectify this cosmic injustice is to subscribe to The Rooster ahead of what’s sure to be a Fall frenzy in the Ohio political world.
And yes, I’m not above soliciting donations. You can submit any amount to the bike replacement fund through my Venmo, @warrengharding.
If the bike is returned by the end of the week, all the money in the fund will be donated to a worthy cause assisting the homeless population in Columbus.
Thank you to everyone who has donated. The next bike will make the Patriots Caucus proud.
The odious Gary Click learns the legend of Stan Chera
The Statehouse is filled with Republicans who would have sex with Trump, in public, if he demanded it. Yet, most of these jokers only like Trump for his worst traits—like his racism, fascistic tendencies or the lifetime of con artistry disguised as “business deals.”
Take State Rep. Gary Click, a leathery two-bit pastor from Vickery. As Chinese warlord Sun Tzu once said, “Bigotry against LGBTQ people corrodes the vessel that carries it.”
Click was never a paragon of healthiness, but he’s been looking… tired… in recent months.
I warned Click recently at the Statehouse to get his soul right with the Good Lord because I don’t want to see him go out like Stan Chera. Of course, he had no idea about one of the funniest Trump stories of all time that, thankfully for us, was told in perfect parochial school parlance.
From Jamie Lauren Keiles of the New York Times Magazine in December 2020:
Shortly after his Covid diagnosis — fever spiking, hooked up to an oxygen tank — Donald Trump reportedly wondered aloud to an aide, “Am I going out like Stan Chera?” Like so many things the president has said, the line felt instantly like a catchphrase: the slick choice of “going out” instead of “dying,” the zeroing in on one old New York friend as the face of a massive global pandemic.
I have never failed to laugh at somebody’s “going out like Stan Chera” joke. But talk about a horrible way to go out—not even being able to send a tweet. In 20 years, nobody will remember Chera as a real estate tycoon. He’ll be remembered as a Trump punchline.
As for Click, don’t sleep on the part where he wrongfully asserts that Chera died despite being vaccinated when Chera died before the Trump Administration did the one good thing with Operation Warspeed.
Of course, Trump can’t take credit for the insane turnaround because two-bit state legislators like Click politicized the end product and killed tens of thousands of Republican voters.
Juan Cespedes gets his passport back
Juan Cespedes, a key former lieutenant of Larry Householder in the HB-6 scandal, has curiously avoided any sentencing by federal prosecutors despite pleading guilty in October 2020.
Not only has Cespedes avoided any apparent consequences for his admitted crimes, but he’s also about to get back the passport he initially surrendered to federal authorities.
This is only speculation from my graduating cum laude from Twitter Law University, but this would seemingly indicate that federal investigators are at least somewhat satisfied with the information that Cespedes has undoubtedly provided over five years.
I wrote about Juan Cespedes back in February 2023, but above all else, he’s further proof that college student government freaks should be barred from real-world politics.
From Ally Melnik of columbusmonthly.com in July 2020:
On Feb. 5, 2001, the Lantern published a front-page story questioning the use of undergraduate student government funds—specifically a $2,250 stipend given to the former chief of staff of Ohio State’s USG, Keller Blackburn, by then-President Robert “B.J.” Schuerger and then-Vice President Cespedes. The money was allegedly given to Blackburn from the executive branch’s discretionary funds without approval of student senators in the form of two checks—one for $1,000 and another for $1,250—for his work during the summer, fall and winter quarters.
However, the Lantern reported that on Dec. 14, 2000, the day both checks were cashed, 12 members of USG—including Blackburn, Cespedes and Schuerger—enjoyed an evening in Columbus eating at Mitchell’s Steakhouse, drinking Champagne and riding in a limousine.
The day this story broke, about 10,000 copies of the Lantern were stolen from stands across campus. This forced the Office of Student Affairs to investigate whether USG officials misused funds and then tried to cover their tracks by disposing of the papers.
About a week later on Feb. 13, The Columbus Dispatch reported that Schuerger asked for Blackburn and Cespedes to resign from their positions. Schuerger then accused Cespedes of leading the plot to remove the newspapers, to which Cespedes did not comment on.
You almost have to admire that within 19 years, Cespedes went from running small-time scams in student government to pleading guilty for his role in the largest bribery scheme in state history (that we know about). That kind of career trajectory usually results in a man walking on the moon.
Critical support to this particular parent
Rooster Worldwide LLC is at a point where I’m starting to understand what newspapers envisioned back in the day by hiring multiple people.
I’ll get tips and story ideas all the time to the point it’s like, man, I swear I’m going to get around to writing something about that horrible situation when I can give it the time it deserves.
LifeWise Academy is one of those topics. You would think the Christian nationalist movement and other assorted freak fundamentalists would be satisfied with making 90% of Ohio’s public school children eligible for public school vouchers.
But the leaders of these movements ultimately know that the vouchers are little more than a scheme to subsidize affluent, predominantly white families already sending their kids to private schools.
To truly stop the hemorrhaging of Americans fleeing the church, they’ll need to erode public schools more than that.
Enter LifeWise Academy, a “nonprofit” providing Christian instruction during public school time.
Thankfully, one brave parent had enough of their bullshit and enrolled with the school and immediately published their curriculum online, a move for which LifeWise Academy is doing the Christian thing by suing the parent.
From Dean Narcisco of dispatch.com:
A Hilliard-based nonprofit provider of Christian instruction to public schools has sued a former Ohio man for copyright infringement, claiming he improperly uploaded and shared proprietary instructional materials with families.
LifeWise Academy filed the lawsuit July 2 against Zachary Parrish, a parent who strongly feels that public schools should be free of influence by any single religion, especially when it is offered for payment.
LifeWise calls itself a "privately funded Christian non-profit that provides public school families with 'released time' religious instruction in traditional, character-based, Biblical teaching during school hours." Released time would include lunch breaks and non-core instruction like art, music or study halls.
Successfully ending gerrymandering in Ohio won’t be a silver bullet for everything that ails our political system.
But it would be a massive boost to ending charlatan tricks like LifeWise Academy because this stuff is pushed by the kook wing of the Republican Party that has an outsized role in Statehouse politics due to the current gerrymandered efforts led by Senate President Matt Huffman, who, in my opinion, is a domestic terrorist.
Law & Order comes for Delaware County hobgoblin
A 69-year-old suburbanite The Columbus Dispatch identifies as an “influential Delaware County Republican” learned a hard lesson about Law & Order the day after America celebrated its independence from Pedophile & Knife Crime Island.
A grand jury of Catherine Nelson’s peers slapped her with a felony gun charge for carrying a loaded 9 mm Ruger in her SUV’s driver-side door back in April.
You don’t need a permit or training to carry a concealed weapon in Ohio. But you still can’t transport a loaded gun while partaking in the time-honored American tradition of drunk driving.
From Bill Bush of dispatch.com:
A Delaware County grand jury on Friday added another charge — this one a gun-related felony — to a Republican Party influencer's misdemeanor impaired driving charge stemming from an April traffic stop.
Court records show that on Friday the grand jury indicted Catherine A. Nelson, 69, of Galena, with improperly handling a firearm in a motor vehicle, a fifth-degree felony, alleging that she did "knowingly transport or have a loaded handgun in a motor vehicle when she was under the influence of alcohol," drugs or both.
The Dispatch reported in mid-June that during the traffic stop, prompted by a report of a reckless driver around 10 p.m. April 19, Genoa Township police officers found a loaded 9 mm Ruger handgun in Nelson's driver-side door. Ohio law prohibits motorists from carrying a firearm in a vehicle if they are driving drunk and/or high.
Nelson is a GOP hobgoblin so connected that multiple Delaware County judges and the prosecutor recused themselves because of a conflict of interest related to their relationship with Nelson.
The Dispatch describes her as “a force in Delaware County politics” for years, “organizing fundraisers, helping select candidates and choosing opponents for those not aligned with her ideology, multiple Republican party sources have said.”
It’s a great example of the paranoia that grips people who ingest too much right-wing media. Nelson is wealthy and connected, yet she felt the need to carry a loaded handgun while driving drunk around her neighborhood.
But yes, you’re damn right she tried to use her Illuminati contacts to get out of the jam, going as far as asking the arresting officer if she knew her friend, a Genoa Township trustee.
I always feel like I hit the bonus ball on the lottery when politicos get arrested for drunk driving, and they mention their friendship with some obscure politician a majority of their constituents wouldn’t recognize on the street.
Do I know your friend, the Genoa Township trustee? No, ma’am. Sorry. I live in Pataskala and don’t even vote in Delaware County. Anyway, off to jail you go!
THOSE WMDs. New canopy walk at Blacklick Metro Park proves popular… They hacked McDonald’s ice cream machines and started a cold war… The inside story of how Wild Wild West spun out of control… Cracker Barrel customers and employees say the restaurant chain needs a turnaround… Five biggest mistakes grandparents make.
If you have any interest in looking further into the group pushing back against Lifewise there’s a FB group page called Parents AGAINST Lifewise. The founders are doing solid work gathering information and documents that lay bare the Lifewise agenda. Apparently the curriculum is based on SBC theology. The Lifewise “handout” that teachers receive to help them answer possible questions the young kids might have is eye opening. As a retired teacher and former school board member, I find the entire movement extremely troubling.
Worth the wait!
Completely missed the Cespedes story the first time - thanks for the reprint.
You're the 👑!