The Rooster's May Mailbag
The Rooster's May Mailbag
Columbus City Council Power Rankings, the prospect of Tim Misny running for governor, how I've avoided a lifetime in prison, and more answers to the Patriot Caucus' most burning questions.
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Glorious rising, folks! And welcome to another new, monthly mailbag dispatch courtesy of your neighborhood sewer blogger.
Today’s dispatch covers the all-new Columbus City Council Power Rankings, the prospect of Tim Misny running for governor, how I’ve avoided a life in prison, and more answers to your most burning questions.
As always, I’m thankful to everyone who submitted questions. I can’t answer them all, so if you don’t see your question, please feel free to respond to this email and I’ll answer personally.
Your question may have also already been answered in a past mailbag, which you can read over here.
How cooked is Brandon Simmons?
For those that missed yesterday’s special dispatch: The Columbus Education Association is calling for the resignation of School Board member Brandon Simmons.
Simmons authored a diabolical anti-union manifesto that called for, in part, the district’s Consolidation Task Force to “drive a wedge” between its employee unions by stoking racial divisions—among other highly illegal tactics.
He hilariously faced the music at last night’s board meeting and vindicated fellow board member Sarah Ingles by attempting to throw her under the bus for “sharing the plan with other people.”
As for how cooked he is—I’m not sure he is, sadly. Simmons said last night he plans to finish his term, even if it gets “10 times harder.” The Board clearly is content to let the 23-year-old shoulder the blame.
But it’s in the Board’s interest to present the manifesto as the product of a single rogue member. Simmons insinuated last night that there were other authors involved in the process, but he lacks the credibility to say that without naming names.
I don’t think there’s anyway the Board can evict Simmons without criminal wrongdoing. He clearly lacks the shame to resign. So, it would seem, we’re stuck with him at least until the end of his term in 2028(!).
In the meantime, the Columbus City Schools Task Force postponed planned public comment sessions for tonight and tomorrow due to the “current events surrounding the School Board.”
Least favorite spot in Ohio?
That’s easy: Findlay, a tiny city of big assholes. When I was in high school, the football coach routinely had to warn Black players that they would hear racial slurs when they played against Findlay. It’s also the childhood home of former Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger and his gray penis. I would rather be exiled to Siberia.
My second least-favorite spot is anywhere on our interstates. As a bicyclist, I truly believe that people weren’t meant to exceed the speed of 25 miles per hour outside of traveling by a train, boat or plane.
Do you think there has ever been a better youth soccer team than the '98 Marion Hurricanes, MOSSL champs?
Man… shoutout to whoever submitted this question. But the answer is no, there isn’t. The only youth teams that could have given us a competitive game on our best day were the Barcelona Academy teams that featured Messi, Iniesta and Xavi. And even then, I don’t think any of them could have contended with Ryan Winger or Spencer Birchfield in the midfield.
You seem to hate all interest groups. Do you think any of them do a good job at the statehouse?
I used to hate all lobbying groups. But that was an amateur’s view of the Statehouse. In reality, we need lobbyists—especially in Ohio—because there is no way that anywhere close to a majority of legislators can have expertise on the wide range of subjects their jobs entail. It’s a craft that I’ve come to respect, actually.
I like the public schools and labor lobbies. Those are the two that are good and have any sort of muscle in the Statehouse.
But the only special interest groups that truly bother me are groups for the expansion of fossil fuel use, the Center for Christian Virtue, the Chamber of Commerce and the Ohio Restaurant Association. In that order.
Can you do a bust-up of the Ohio Auto Dealers Association? They actively fight against legislation at the Statehouse that would make driving safer, walking and biking projects, and are the loudest voice in the Statehouse opposing public transit funding—fossil fuel lobbyists be damned!
God, how could I forget the Auto Dealers Association? That’s another group that I’ll see in Hell. Slate wrote a fantastic exposé on Republican car dealers as the soul of their party. It’s worth your time to read in full (after you read, like, and share this May Mailbag, of course!) to get an idea of what we’re up against.
I generally don’t hassle lobbyists at the Statehouse, but I’ll make an exception for them if they ever cross my path. Thank you for the reminder.
How have you never been arrested?