Should I Fuck a Republican?

In short, no.

I was at KGB’s fancy downtown apartment last night, coming off a 96-hour-date and lamenting that I had no inspiration to write The Rooster.

“You’re in too good of a mood,” she said. “You can’t summon the rage to cuss out some hobgoblin elected official like you like to do. Now come [edited] me for the 7th time today.”

I didn’t bonk her then. I let the Soul Snatcher 2000 do the heavy lifting until her Apple Watch was asking if she suffered a heavy fall and needed it to call 9-1-1.

But I did like her idea of dispensing relationship advice. It’s a good change of pace from my usual dispatches that run along the lines of, “It’s one of those days where you don’t want to wake up // Everything is fucked // Everybody sucks // You don’t really know why, but you want to justify ripping somebody’s head off.”

Dear DJ, When you start dating someone new, how long do you normally wait before telling them what the initials stand for?

There are two things I divulge on the first date: What my initials stand for and that one time when prosecutors in Montana charged me with four felonies, 100 years in prison and put a $100,000 bounty on my head for my arrest.

Women only find one of those stories sexy, and it’s not that one involving my initials. However, I always allow them five guesses on my initials and so far none of them have guessed correctly. My name is Donald Joseph Byrnes, II. I’m definitely the least famous of the D.J. Byrneses, but I go by D.J. primarily because my friends would clown me into the ground if I randomly decided, “I go by Don now.”

Ok I have a good one because I was utterly confused at how to respond to this last night. Chatting with some random guy on Hinge for about 24 hours and I ask him what his politics are generally (he didn’t list anything in his profile which should have been a red flag) and he says “socially liberal and fiscally conservative.” What’s the best way to respond to that to convey my utter disgust and disinterest in talking to him anymore, while also shaming him?

I can’t find it, but there is a famous tweet where it’s like, “Ahhh. I’m socially liberal and fiscally responsible! The problems are bad, but what creates them… they are good!”

It resonates because it’s such a horseshit position that is completely indefensible to anyone who thinks about the matter for more than 30 seconds.

As a rule of thumb, any dude who doesn’t list his politics as “Very Liberal” or whatever on dating apps is a Republican trying to hide his odious politics from women who wouldn’t fuck him if he made them clear in the first place. This man is definitely a Republican, or even worse, possibly a Libertarian.

My advice on responding to him is to not respond at all. Don’t ask me how I know this, but there is nothing that hurts a man’s soul more than a woman deciding he is not even worthy of a response. Again, don’t ask me how I know. But it’s true.

Dear Rooster,

My question is very simple. Why are most men in Columbus so terrible to date??

The simple answer is that men inherently are terrible. And I thank my lucky stars, because as a cisgender white male, all I have to do is be better than the last guy a woman dated. That is a bar so low it rests on the floor, and I’m sorry for that because I have contributed to that plague.

The more complex answer lies in the Drew Magary line that Columbus is so generic it might as well be called “City.”

I feel like dating men would be easier in Paris or Buenos Aires or any other place that actually inspires its residents to a higher purpose. Instead we live in a city where the cursed Short North is our singular attempt at culture. This city is more overcast and dreary than Seattle, and we have none of the infrastructure, public transit or scenic waterways to justify living where we do.

This is a bad recipe for the psychosis of men. We are already operating without a full deck of cards. I would recommend moving to literally any other city — even Cleveland or Cincinnati. Men will still be awful, but at least not in the moldy loaf of Wonder Bread way that men are in Columbus.

Dear Rooster,

My wife insists on waiting to run the dishwasher until it's full. I'm a run-it-once-a-day-regardless guy. This is becoming kind of a point of contention. How should I go about approaching this sensitive subject in a way that proves conclusively that she's wrong?

This all depends on what your energy bill looks like at the end of the month. I live by myself so I run my dishwasher on “energy saver” cycle with “air dry.” That’s because I hate doling out cash to a corrupt energy conglomerate at the end of the month.

If the amount of your bill is no skin off your back, go off with running the dishwasher every day, king. If your bride keeps pressing the issue, let her wake up one day and go to the kitchen to discover her favorite mixing bowl is dirty.

Game, set, match.

Dear Relationship Rooster,

I am simply too awesome and powerful for dating. How do I overcome this and stop scaring off all my potential romances?

Yours, Cat in Columbus.

Never lose this energy. It might sound arrogant to some, but I learned a long time ago (in the hardest way possible) that you cannot possibly love someone else until you learn to love yourself. Sounds like you have the hard part already covered. The rest is gravy, Cat.

Dear Rooster,

How do you know when you’re in love?

I realized I was in love with KGB when I was by myself, no doubt doing something cool like baking a potato or jacking off into my landlord’s spare bathtub, and I found myself thinking about HER. When you’re in love, the smile comes to your face while thinking of your partner doing the most mundane things.

Dear DJ,

I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me, treats me well, and is successful. My family loves him. Problem is he’s a Republican—like an active one. Can I justify it?

You wouldn’t be here asking me that question if you could justify it. There is already something amiss in your relationship and it’s due to your boyfriend thinking you’re incapable of making your own healthcare decisions.

Plus, as we all know, Republicans can’t eat pussy. You should dump him an find a hot communist in your area. You won’t go back.

THOSE WMDs. America’s other forever war… How the fossil fuel industry convinced America to love gas stoves… Reddit is America’s unofficial unemployment hotline… How an army of shadow kitchens took over America’s restaurants… My ex is having a baby and I can’t get over it… Did the pandemic solve one of sports’ greatest mysteries?