The Cincinnati jabroni mayor's major pervert problem, explained
Aftab Pureval's AFC Championship disaster was orchestrated by a woman who once smeared sexual assault victims for the disgraced governor of New York. (No, not that one. The other one.)
This is part two of Monday’s post: That jabroni Aftabl Pureval doesn’t know ball.
Aftab Pureval has been lying about his political ambitions since before anyone outside of the absolute psychopaths who engage in student government at Ohio State knew his name.
“I still haven’t figured out what I want to be when I grow up,” Pureval, just coming off a tenure as USG president, told The Lantern in 2005.
Aftab, just like that little freak Mayor Cheat (no typo), is one of those guys that has dreamed from a very young age of being president. That’s fine. You might have guessed by the politically poisoned nature of this newsletter that I, too, once dreamed of being the president.
But most people grow out of such fantasies. One does not simply become president of the United States. Nobody becomes a serious candidate without first proving their fealty to the capitalist class that controls the rest of us. Most people eat enough shit at their real jobs. That leaves power-hungry jackals like Pureval to run for office.
Pureval is as ambitious as they come, which is why he’s been constantly running for office for the last six years. But he’s already capped out as a Democrat in Ohio as the mayor of a major city. The only other place he could go would be to the Statehouse and serve the supermajorities in either chamber.
Pureval, like Mayor Pete before him, is attempting to turn a mayorship into a presidency. One way to do that would be to increase his national profile and leverage that newfound fame into a cabinet position. Just like Mayor Pete did.
That’s why Pureval hired Lis Smith, one of the biggest vampires in Democratic politics and Mayor Cheat’s No. 1 freak.
More importantly, Smith is renowned as the woman that got caught sucking disgraced New York governor Eliot Spitzer’s toes in a “topless hot tub romp” in Jamaica.
From Tara Palmeri of newyorkpost.com in Jan. 2014:
The disgraced Spitzer — infamous for wearing his signature black knee socks while having sex with [sex workers] — appears to have a bit of a foot fetish as well, according to onlookers.
“He was licking her toes,” the witness said. “She would sit in his lap. Then he’d put her feet in his mouth. He licked her toes and was playing with her feet.”
[…]
A 10-year-old boy who saw Smith topless in the pool ran back to his parents and shouted, “Mom there’s an old guy in the Jacuzzi with this girl and she’s topless and she’s got her legs wrapped around him,” sources said.
The boy’s cries — “He’s sucking on her toes!” alerted other guests, who walked over to catch an eyeful.
The Rooster is famously a kink-shame-free publication. But that police doesn’t include fucking politicians. That’s nasty work any way you slice it. And Elliot Spitzer’s old ass? Jesus. Have some self-respect.
But that’s not even the freakiest thing about her. Smith came of age working with New York State Senate Republicans to freeze left-wing Democrats out of power (sound familiar?). That kind of work makes you a hot commodity in the odious Democratic consultant circles.
Her career resumé shows that Democratic consultants are not judged on wins and losses. For them, their performance is about whom they please and who they know.
Awe, shucks, you lost that one race? Good thing there’s a new one in another state where nobody knows how fucking awful you are.
After working for the Mayor Pete campaign that leveraged some wan little nerd who couldn’t even fix potholes in his podunk college town into a Transportation Secretary, Smith went to work for another disgraced New York governor, Andrew Cuomo, who was trying to stay in power despite decades of gross sexual misconduct.
She deployed her three favorite skills: Lying. Incompetence. And incompetent lying.
From Bruce Golding of nypost.com in Nov. 2021 (three months before Pureval hired Smith originally):
The March 3 text was sent by Lis Smith to 10 of Cuomo’s closest confidantes — including top aide Melissa DeRosa, spokesman Rich Azzopardi and two government lawyers, Beth Garvey and Judith Mogul — on the same day he finally addressed the mounting allegations against him.
“Yeah its good. But all depends on what else comes out,” the message said.
“He has been sleeping with people he works with for decades I have been told. Consent when power is involved is complicated. As is flirtation.”
[…]
“Have you heard anything about the Governor sleeping with people he works with for decades?” lawyer Abena Mainoo asked.
“Have I? No. Except from this reporter,” Smith testified.
“Did you ask…for any additional context?” Mainoo asked.
“No,” Smith answered.
You can read quotes from the women that she smeared over here. I read that link and got disgusted.
I don’t know what Aftab felt when he read it, but he and Smith — who calls herself a “through and through” Bengals fan on her Instagram profile — have been basically inseparable during the Bengals’ run through the playoffs.
Here is one of many examples:
That’s led to obvious Affair Gossip in the Queen City since Pureval already has a well-earned reputation being seen after work hours at bars and restaurants with young, female employees.
That’s totally within his rights. Maybe he’s having an affair. Maybe his wife lets him throw his balls around. Maybe it’s all honest political work at places that serve mind poison.
But while it’s Pureval’s right to be seen in public with whomever and wherever he chooses just like the rest of us, it shows a lack of understanding about how other people see a man as attractive as Pureval routinely in places that serve booze with young women that are not the wife he put all over Instagram until Smith arrived on the scene.
Understanding how other people see your actions is the No. 1 skill of any successful politician, which Aftab thinks he is because he waltzed into the mayorship after the FBI made former City Council president P.G. Sittenfeld eat shit.
And that was before he started jet-setting around the country with a non-married woman who stuffed her toes into Elliot Spitzer’s mouth in a public hot tub in Jamaica.
And again, I don’t personally give a shit about that. But people in Pureval’s circle do.
It shows he’s not nearly as good a politician as he thinks. Which is how he uncorked the “Go Bengals!” video that ended with him being called a Jabroni and getting clowned on Jimmy Kimmel 48 hours later.
Seeing Aftab get destroyed on national television would have been funny enough. But Smith’s involvement — which I missed initially in Feburary 2022, when this account mysteriously appeared on the internet shortly after Smith got hired.
Check the dates on the tweets:
You’ll be shocked to learn that Smith got bored with her pet project and quickly abandoned it.
But it’s clear to me now that Aftab hired Smith to do what she did for Pete: Grease his way into the rooms with heavy hitters in Washington so he can gland-hand his way into a promotion in the next Democratic president.
They’ll spindle him as “America’s mayor” or whatever since he has a good smile and a non-zero amount of charisma.
But their plan was pretty obvious here. Attach Pureval to the Bengals—make him the celebrity fan—and call your shot before the hometown team defeats the hated Kansas City Chiefs on the way to the Super Bowl.
Would’ve certainly put him in a prime position for network interviews during the off-week in the lead-up to the big game.
Pureval wasn’t the first to attempt such an operation. Nor was he the first to bungle something so simple as, “Go team!”
But he did it in such a ham-fisted and disrespectful way—hello, Lis Smith—that it put a bullseye on his back before the game even kicked off. He needed the Bengals to save his ass, and they didn’t. I doubt they were weeping about letting their brave mayor down in the locker room, either.
And that’s why Cincinnati’s jabroni mayor fell through the floor like he did. He’s probably still trying to figure out how he’s ever going to run for office in Cincinnati again with Travis Kelce — who half of Cincinnati either loves or hates already due to him attending the University of Cincinnati — reminding everybody of that time the local team got screwed over in the big game.
The refs will be long gone by then. But Aftab? He’ll still be there asking for the vote.
Smith will probably be onto the next ladder-climbing loser she’s patronized throughout her career. This genius operation should be the end of that relationship.
Unless it’s something more than a working relationship. In which case, Aftab has much bigger problems on his hands than the Bengals’ loss.
Because it’s clear that people in both parties in Cincinnati would not shed a single tear if he disappeared tomorrow. Despite all that shine, he is that disliked behind the scenes.
He should hire a seasoned communications professional to fix that problem. It’s a bad one to have for somebody that has been thinking about his political career for at least the last 18 years.
A friend of mine did a stint as an Uber driver in Cincinnati. One of his random customers turned out to be Pureval, who needed an Uber to take him to his wedding. When my friend told me this, I said, "What kind of effing loser has so few (or no) friends/family that he has to take an Uber alone to his own effing wedding?". The answer.....Aftab Pureval, apparently.
Can confirm from experience that OSU USG kids are greasy AF.
For historic examples see Josh Mandel and Juan Cespedes.