The Rooster's 2025 Sloopys ballot
It's that famous time on the annual Ohio political calendar. Here's how the state's premier blogger will cast his single ballot in the name of #ElectionIntegrity.
As you might have ascertained, I’m a stone-cold political pervert. Most people look forward to the middle of December as a time to tie up loose ends in the office before spending some quality time with their beautiful family to close the year.
Not me. I’m in the trenches, badgering elected officials about their years-long silence about Central Ohio’s scandalous thong salesman, Leslie Wexner, or breaking the news about the Trump Administration ending federal funding for the Ohio Manufacturing Partnership due to unsubstantiated claims of widespread fraud.
But cleveland.com’s Capitol Letter—an informative, free newsletter worth your readership—always offers an annual respite with the Sloopys, which is the Ohio Statehouse’s more prestigious and sexier version of the Oscars.
The Rooster won “Best Use of Social Media” and “Biggest Troll” in 2024. And unlike Larry Householder’s henchwoman, we didn’t need to task an intern to stuff the ballot box.
This year, The Rooster is up for “Best Use of Social Media,” “Worst Use of Social Media,” and “Biggest Troll.”
Which, frankly, is precisely where the #brand should be given the mission of putting as much psychic damage as possible on the Republican junta by typing deranged sentences into the internet.
You can cast your own ballot over here. Voting will close after 11:59 p.m. on Sunday, Dec. 14, with the cleveland.com crew announcing the winners on Friday, Dec. 19.
Most Effective Statewide Lawmaker: Governor Sleepy Tea
Well, I’d rather eat garbage out of a hobo’s asshole than vote for any other statewide elected official than my old friend, the governor.
Vetoing nonsense property tax proposals. Stopping the junta from unwinding child labor laws. Using an executive order to reignite the intoxicating hemp debate and break the legislative deadlock.
Yes, he’s a partisan Republican. And I’ll see him in Hell with the rest of them. But I’d be lying if I said I won’t be smiling in the eternal hellfire when I do, because, despite our vast differences, he may be the best governor we’ll have for a very long time.
Biggest Windbag: State Rep. Josh Williams (R-Sylvania).
National Republicans asked Williams to stop giving bizarre and bloated speeches on the House floor, since he was only giving Congresswoman Marcy Kaptur more ammunition.
He didn’t stop. And you almost have to respect it.
In private, non-political conversations, Williams is fine. But in committee, he loves nothing more than badgering non-lawyer witnesses and reminding them of his prestigious law degree from the University of Toledo.
And on the floor—it’s about as entertaining as listening to two drunken octogenarians fuck in the next room over at a Motel 6. And the chest-pounding and using phrases like “FAFO” do nothing to hide the inferiority complex that makes him tick.
Biggest Self-Promoter: Secretary of State Frank LaRose (R-Upper Arlington People’s Republic)
LaRose is so desperate to be somebody—anybody—that he would probably sell his mother into #WhiteSlavery if he thought it gave him a better chance at winning his next election.
Funniest Politician: State Senator Bill DeMora (D-Columbus)
See yesterday’s video: DeMora is the only state legislator who can come out throwing haymakers against Leslie Wexner while also making overt references to jacking off to Christmas editions of Victoria’s Secret catalogues in his youth.
There are other funny legislators. But nobody else has that kind of range.
Least Tech-Literate Politician: State Rep. Diane Mullins (R-Hamilton)
You might think it’d be State Rep. Thad Claggett, given that sounds like the name of a sixth-generation caveman. But don’t let him fool you: His legislation on banning “AI personhood” is the forward-thinking and proactive idea that’s rare among Republican legislators.
The answer is Rep. Mullins, whom we’d like to wish well as she continues to recover from a stroke suffered earlier this year.
Republican Rising Star: Senator Susan Manchester (R-Celina)
I’ve told this story before, but I shared a stage with Manchester during a League of Women Voters debate in Greenville during my 2018 Ohio House suicide run.
It’s a shame we couldn’t give the people what they deserved by debating each other. That showdown will have to wait until we’re both running for governor.
In the meantime, get your early bets on Manchester being the first female president of the Ohio Senate when future president Bill Reineke leaves the chamber. You heard it here first.
I’d also be remiss if I didn’t mention State Rep. Tex Fischer (R-Boardman). He was a close second in this race, but I wanted to put my marker down about Manchester.
Fischer has his wits together when he’s not talking about abolishing the post office. And he’s always the first one mentioned by his colleagues whenever I inquire about “rising stars” within their caucus.
Democratic Rising Star: State Rep. Beryl Brown Piccolantonio (D-Gahanna).
This one was very tough, and I gave Piccolantonio the nod over State Rep. Chris Glassburn (D-North Olmsted).
That’s no disrespect to Glassburn, who is a stone-cold killer. But it’s also his second tour of duty in the Ohio House. As such, his star is already burning bright in the sky for any serious observer of Statehouse activity to see.
Brown Piccolantonio could’ve been the House Minority Leader. But it’s a sign of a pure heart when any politician doesn’t go scorched earth to obtain their promotion.
I was also a fan of her standing tall over the summer against the Franklin County Democratic Party Central Committee, endorsing Tiara Ross over Jesse Vogel in the Columbus City Council District 7 race.
Nothing will change in this god-forsaken county if nothing changes. And Brown Piccolantonio showed integrity in that moment that will ensure she’s never part of the problem, but rather the solution, going forward.
Best Use of Social Media: D.J. Byrnes (aka “The Rooster”)
Over 100,000 followers on all social media platforms, with elite engagement stats that would make statewide elected officials blush.
Worst Use of Social Media: John Fortney and “the President’s Podcast”
It’s taxpayer-funded propaganda where Fortney does little more than massage the genitals of his powerful guests while letting them bleat talking points, while a catatonic Fortney acts as if he’s receiving divine instruction from Jesus Christ of Nazareth.
Frankly, it makes me sick. And I weep for the handful of lobbyists who have to listen to that tripe in hope of finding a crumb of insight into the egos of state legislators.
Biggest Troll: State Senator Casey Weinstein (D-Hudson)
Hudson has built a massive social media following primarily by trolling illiterate, antisemitic, and racist cretins that appear in his mentions like low-stakes henchmen in John Wick movies.
You have to respect it.
Most Savvy Lawmaker: State Sen. Bill Reineke (R-Tiffin)
Reineke loathes the media, so you’ll never see the adoring profiles of him. But in October 2024, Senator Jerry Cirino bragged that he’d have the Senate presidency sealed by March 2025.
It’s December 2025, and Cirino hasn’t even publicly declared that he’s seeking the presidency because he faces a deficit that’s only surmountable in his megalomaniacal mind.
If that’s not savvy from Reineke, I’m not sure what else would qualify.
Most Arrogant Lawmaker: State Senator Jerry Cirino (R-Kirtland), Speaker Matt Huffman (R-Lima) and Senate Minority Leader Niki Antonio (D-Lakewood)
It’s 11:45 p.m. Wednesday as of this writing. I would probably miss my 4:33 a.m. Thursday deadline before I decided on one name among these three characters.
But honestly? Shoutout to Leader Antonio. It’s no small feat to be included with the other two, even more so as the leader of a super-minority caucus.
And maybe through that lens, I have found my answer…
Most Power-Hungry Lawmaker: State Senator Jerry Cirino (R-Kirtland)
I would not be surprised if Cirino’s doctor revealed that he only feels sexual satisfaction while in pursuit of raw political power.
Because, as they say, men have two heads, and only enough blood for one at a time. And that might be the only possible explanation for Cirino’s fall from grace that started with his tyrannical behavior while overseeing the Senate budget process through the spring.
Nicest Lawmaker: State Rep. Mark Sigrist (D-Grove City)
The don himself! He would probably be alarmed to learn the litany of crimes that I would commit for him if only he had to ask.
Most Bipartisan Lawmaker: State Senator Bill Blessing (R-Cincinnati)
Senator Blessing is one of the most unique Republican thinkers in the Statehouse, and our state would be in a much better place if he were the typical Republican.
Lobbyists’ Best Friend: Speaker Matt Huffman (R-Lima)
Never forget: The architects of the largest bribery scheme in state history considered Huffman to be “transactional” before they directed $300K into his aligned SuperPAC.
Biggest Political Surprise: The bipartisan Congressional map deal
Governor DeWine's appointment of Jim Tressel as Lieutenant Governor caught almost everyone by surprise.
But, in retrospect, I’m not surprised that Tressel opted against challenging Vivek Ramaswamy for the Republican nomination. The man is adverse to risk, as any Ohio State fan will tell you.
I am still shocked that the Republican junta allowed Senate President Rob McColley to bastardize the redistricting process to create a new sweetheart Congressional district for himself—at the expense of the national MAGA agenda.
Hardest-working lobbyist: John Esterly (Brotherhood of Locomotive Engineers and Trainmen)
We’re still not out of the woods yet, but Ohio having a passenger rail network is closer to reality than it has ever been in my lifetime. And for that, we all owe a debt of service to Esterly and his persuasive powers.
Most effective lobbyist: David Mahan (Center of Christian Virtue)
I don’t have to like it. But I do respect the way that Mahan can push a largely unpopular agenda through Statehouse corridors because he is nothing if not a smooth operator.
And I would be lying if I said I didn’t appreciate him almost single-handedly beating gambling expansion in Ohio earlier this year.
Best Capitol Square Restaurant: Pat & Gracie’s
The day I vote for the Downtown Athletic Club is the day you should unsubscribe from The Rooster, by the way.
Most Popular Bar for Democrats: High Beck
It’s a great bar! Have some fond memories there. And I’ll probably never step foot in there again.
Most Popular Bar for Republicans: Axis
If you know… you know!
Stay tuned for Friday’s Rooster in Review, where the Hilltop Husband will reveal her Sloopy ballot.
THOSE WMDs. The sticky, untold story of Cinnabon… The couple whose twins were stillborn—and the “birth keeper” they blame… Why a college fighting for survival is slashing econ and physics majors… A mysterious company came to town with an $165 billion idea… If you could speak to your dead grandmother forever, would you?
I think it would be really funny for the brand if you won Best and Worst use of social media somehow. What better for an advertisement?
Keep doing what you do