Rooster in Review: Downfall of a henchman
Vivek Ramaswamy's henchman who once told me to "get a job" has pleaded guilty to federal drug trafficking charges. ¡Bon voyage, bozo!
People have asked if I ever get nervous that I’m going to be assaulted on the job.
Frankly, that's my retirement plan, getting sucker-punched by a political fink and having the lawsuit filed before my normal-sized head hits the marble inside the Statehouse.
The closest I ever came to thinking that, okay, this guy might hit me, was in Summer 2024.
A disturbed and clearly agitated man appeared in my immediate vicinity while I was busting up former Education Secretary Betsy DeVos, who was on the Statehouse lawn as part of an oligarch-funded propaganda tour to peddle anti-transgender hysteria.
There are two types of private security officers. The licensed and professional tier who can break your neck but won’t go looking for physical confrontation, and the low-rent thug tier that is willing to die for the Rich Person paying them $25 an hour with no benefits.
Justin Salsburey was in that second tier. And I would only later learn his name when he got arrested in December for trafficking fentanyl and methamphetamine through the United States Postal Office with his teacher wife.
At the time of his arrest, Salsburey had been moolighting with ARK Protection Services on Vivek Ramaswamy’s detail, with Salsburey primarily tasked with standing outside Apoorva Ramaswamy’s office at Ohio State’s University Hospital.
Despite hiring an interstate drug trafficker to protect his wife, Ramswamy continued to pay ARK Protection Group until The Rooster exposed the operation as little more than a fleet of unlicensed henchmen who were almost assuredly getting paid under the table.
ARK Protection Services has since shuttered its politician protection racket, instead choosing to focus on training future henchman at a newly opened facility.
On Thursday, Salsburey pleaded guilty to “to participating in a narcotics conspiracy involving bulk amounts of fentanyl and methamphetamine in the mail.”
He will be remembered as having one of the funnier downfalls for a low-level villain in the history of the Rooster Cinematic Universe. But frankly, it’s somewhat refreshing to have one of my avowed enemies exposed as an internet drug dealer as opposed to the recent trend of pedophiles and other flavors of depraved sex pests.
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With under 90 days remaning until the 2026 General Election, there’s been few better times to come bark with the freaks.
This week in Ohio Woman…
A behind-the-scenes video from a recent photoshoot with New York City’s socialist dictator of a mayor, Zohran Mamdani, went viral on TikTok largely because thousands of commenters noticed a stylish white woman who seemed to be orchestrating the whole affair.
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That icon is Audra Heinrichs, an Ohio woman and former journalist at Jezebel who now works as Mamdani’s Deputy Director of Advance, a role in which she’s clearly excelling.
Heinrichs graduated from Ohio State in 2016 with a degree in English Literature and Women’s, Gender, and Sexualities before moving to New York to pursue a master’s in journalism.
This week in The Rooster…
It was another brisk week of business at Rooster Worldwide LLC. Here are all the things you may have missed in your inbox—especially if you’re a freeloading hog huffing fumes in the parking lot.
Be sure to subscribe to The Rooster for four guaranteed dispatches a week, delivered straight to your inbox at 4:33 a.m.
Tracking Capital Square’s most wanted. The Columbus-based Republican operative Elephant in the Room returns to shed some light on Republican electoral struggles as well as Rob McColley’s latest humiliation.
Vivek Ramaswamy’s “team shop” is a dark corner of the internet. We found the three most unhinged items from Ramaswamy’s latest innovation. Plus, Dr. Amy Acton undercuts years of Democratic organizing, and more!
Get the Flock out. There’s no reason for Columbus to take another step on the road to the panopticon. Plus, Seneca County Republicans won’t stop distancing themselves from Gary Click, a new insider appointed to the Ohio House race, and more.
They call him ‘Conman’ for a reason. Have you ever made $250 million by conspiring with your mother to manipulate research into a sham Alzheimer’s drug? Because that’s what the notorious conman did. Plus, the “days since an Ohio legislator got a DUI” counter has been reset to zero, and more.
We’ll do it at the same time and place next week.
Until then… stay frosty, my friends!
THOSE WMDs. The crazy true story of the Great Zanesville Zoo Escape… The false promise of DNA testing… Adults freaked out when a teen searched his hometown in the Epstein Files… The bloody record of Delhi police… The color recession may be permanent… Why haven’t we found aliens yet?