Rooster in Review: You can bike anywhere if you're dumb enough

And the last chance to join the Patriots Caucus and help a friend in need.

I rode my bike to Plain City yesterday. I would like to specifically thank the ODOT traffic engineer who no doubt annoyed their colleagues by insisting on installing a bike lane on the car-centric monstrosity that is the Roberts Road and 270 interchanges.

Another specific shoutout to the motorists who drove in a straight line without sending me to the nearest hospital’s trauma bay. You were the real MVPs of the day, and it’s always nice to have the honor of inhaling your vehicle’s microplastics.

Did I intend to become the father from Calvin & Hobbes? No. No I did not, now that you ask about it. But I’ve lived long enough to embrace it. There are worse fates in life.

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The Rooster is also running a 60-percent sale on monthly and annual subscriptions. At this point, you’re losing money by not investing with me.

If you subscribe today, I’ll donate half of the proceeds to the GoFundMe of my internet friend Chase Richardson, who is less than $1,000 away from his goal to offset abominable surgery.

This week in Ohio Man…

Multiple people sent me the story of Cleveland in which our brave hero Ohio Man is once again continuing his Sisyphean struggle against societal decorum and the rule of law.

This week, a Burger King drive-thru camera caught an Ohio man pulling a gun on the drive-thru worker. The worker was only trying to give him a discounted meal.

Not satisfied with acting like a loser, the Ohio man also decided to be racist on his way out the door.

From Damon Maloney of news5cleveland.com:

"He thought that he should have been paying more money…which his order which came up to like $8,” Vernon said.

The next thing Tim saw was the man pulling next to another customer in the drive-thru and getting out of his gray Honda Accord.

“That’s when he jumped out the car, cocked the gun (and) pointed it at me,” Vernon said. “He’s just saying, ‘I should kill you n*****’. He just kept saying that. As he was pulling off he was saying, ‘This place was ran so much better when it was ran by white people.’”

It’s a funny story at which to laugh. Lord knows that’s what I did when I initially saw the headline.

But it’s a defense mechanism. It’s much easier to laugh at stuff like this, where, at best, a worker might have been traumatized for life, than think about the number of disturbed individuals that are walking around Ohio, unmedicated, behind the wheel with a gun—because you never know when you might have to blast an insolent fast-food worker who was only trying to save you money.

This week in The Rooster…

There were only two dispatches this week on account of the observed holiday on Monday:

• Cleveland should tell the Browns to kick rocks. He won’t, but Justin Bibb should make it a point to let the Browns walk to the suburbs. The days of the public financing the private profits of billionaires should be at an end.

• Bonfire of the Vanity. We should probably stop commissioning portraits for the perverts in state government until after they died. Cliff Rosenberger’s impending portrait is just the latest example.

THOSE WMDs. Former Iowa hospital employee used a fake identity for 35 years… Gmail revolutionized email, and people thought it was an April Fool’s Day joke… The U.S. government defended the overseas business interests of baby formula makers, and kids paid a price… The Whistleblower: An American took his dream job in India, and what he found was something else entirely… Promethea Unbound.