Rooster in Review: You can't talk like that, Boss Baby
Recapping a brisk week of business in Ohio politics as our junior Senator continues to repulse normal Americans with his disgusting worldview.
I’ve surpassed 10,000 miles on a combined five bikes since adopting the habit in May 2023.
In that time, I’ve ridden used bikes as I’ve gone from biking around my neighborhood to doing a 145-mile hajj to Cincinnati in April.
After a disgusting knave pinched my beloved used Trek gravel bike off my husband’s porch in broad daylight (touché), I’ve been marshaling my finances to purchase a new bike. And I gotta say, I’m starting to understand the stress that most people feel the first time they attempt to finance a home through a 30-year loan via their preferred network of legalized
But, God willing, the search is coming to an end, and I’ll be able to unveil the official bike of Rooster Worldwide LLC, thanks to the generosity of the brave and noble soldiers in the Patriots Caucus.
Speaking of the most feared cabal in Statehouse circles, now is as good a time as any to take the plunge and help sustain the work required to put psychic damage on the losers in our ruling class:
With the ask having been made, here are some newsy items that you might have missed this week while living your life:
More than 300,000 FirstEnergy customers in Cuyahoga County are still without power after a storm blew through the area. FirstEnergy has partnered with Giant Eagle to offer each affected customer exactly one bag of ice and two gallons of water. The criminal organization that pedals energy as a side hustle probably could have offered more hadn’t they blown $60 million on the largest bribery scheme in state history (that we know about). Governor Grandpa Sleepy Tea, who counts FirstEnergy as a major financial donor to his political campaigns, has thus ignored local leaders’ requests to declare a State of Emergency.
A collective group of hackers released the City of Columbus’ stolen data on the dark web after officials apparently refused to pay their seven-figure ransom. If anyone has access to that data or can tell me how to get it, please drop me a line.
Ohio must decide whether to continue its free lunch program for schoolchildren now that we’ve exhausted Sleepy Joe’s pandemic money. Governor DeWine seems ambivalent about it, which makes sense since it’s a handout to schoolchildren and not a corrupt energy conglomerate.
Senator Boss Baby, currently under the delusion he’s the heir of the MAGA movement, has seen his approval rating crash as Americans learn what a juiceless little freak the Ohio Senator is. “It’s getting worse for J.D. Vance,” The Washington Post reports. Politico also recently published a story about Vance’s flop on TikTok, where he cut exactly one video and then got bullied off the app by a tsunami of comments about fucking couches and dolphins.
The Ohio Supreme Court ruled that a man who secretly fabricated an email about a local government official can be sued for defamation. The court ruled in a 5-2 decision that the statute of limitations doesn’t start until that email became public and the affected official learned of its existence. That runs contrary to the state law that has stood since 1853.
Browns owner Jimmy Haslam, who, in my opinion, should be rotting in federal prison, is on the precipice of moving the Browns to a domed warehouse in Brook Park. Eagle-eyed Columbus Crew fans noted that some of the fancy new renditions featured their beloved team playing in Haslam’s newest playground. While Haslam isn’t dumb enough to move the Crew, he’s absolutely greedy enough to move meaningful games to Cleveland. Once again, the only way to get through to these billionaire parasites is to stop spending money on their product.
State Senator Niraj Antani went into the Miami Township Trustees meeting on Thursday night and absolutely bombed them for calling for his resignation. Antani and the trustees disagreed over Antani not participating (read: cut out of the process by Senate Republicans) in an $850 million special projects expenditure. You can view the highlights or the extended version on Twitter.
This week in Ohio Man…
You, like me, might assume that if you had a tractor, your barn would be a safe place to park it. But no! Apparently not if some fink from Colorado, probably geeked off the Devil’s Lettuce, breaks into your barn to steal your equipment.
That’s exactly what happened this week in Noble County in Eastern Ohio.
From Amber Baker of wtf.com:
According to the Noble County Sheriff’s Office, on Sunday, August 4, officials received a report of an attempted grand theft from a residence on Woodfield Road.
Officials say the homeowner noticed a suspicious vehicle in his driveway and, a short time later, heard a farm tractor start inside his barn.
The homeowner went to investigate and found an unknown male inside the tractor who told him he was on a spiritual journey to drive the tractor. The homeowner said the man fled the scene before deputies responded to the area.
The bandit, 40-year-old Michael Jorgensen of Denver, Colorado, eventually stole another car, crashed it, and then led local law enforcement on a foot chase through a creek and a construction site before he eventually got caught.
Local authorities charged Jorgensen with failure to comply with an order or signal of a police officer, breaking and entering, attempted grand theft, and attempted grand theft of a motor vehicle.
The lesson, as always, is to stay off the drugs. But if you imbibe, try not to steal anyone’s expensive property; they won’t take as kindly to your spiritual journey as the drugs have led you to believe.
This week on The Rooster
Another busy week at Rooster Worldwide LLC.
What does JobsOhio even do? An exclusive interview with State Rep. Tom Patton (R-Strongsville) on the effectiveness of JobsOhio as the Controlling Board eyes a possible 16-year contract extension that would take the sinecure operation into 2053.
When they go low. For too long, the Democrats have tried to morally shame their opponents. Thankfully, they seem to be moving past the Charlie Brown loser talk of “When they go low, we go high.” Tim Walz wasting little time in making a joke about J.D. Vance banging a couch is the latest proof.
Skeletons in the closet. The Hog Voters have sent Ohio’s two most prominent anti-abortion groups into Hell, with the Center for Christian Virtue getting back to its recovering-porn-addict roots. (Note: Porn addiction isn’t real).
As always, my thanks to the brave and noble readers like yourself who make this operation possible. It’s the honor of a lifetime.
See y’all at the same time and place next week! Enjoy that weekend, you’ve earned it.
THOSE WMDs. The brief rise and steep fall of Six Flags New Orleans… The secret to the fluffiest pancakes ever… America’s hiring boom is officially over… The TikTok star saving a 400-year-old tradition… Jennifer Tilly outsmarts them all.
Maybe the person who stole your bike was also on a spiritual journey to Caldwell?
Always informative and infuriating. Essential reading.