Welcome to the May Mailbag

Will Vivek Ramaswamy go bald or get hairplugs? What's a classic "growing up in Marion" story? How much money have I saved by not drinking alcohol for 1,038 days? And more burning questions, answered.

The overarching mission of The Rooster is to sow chaos and put psychic damage on the bipartisan hobgoblin cartel that masquerades as Ohio’s state and local government.

Yesterday, we accomplished that mission by publishing the “Baby Making Music” playlist from Congressman Max Miller’s public Spotify account. It’s the kind of puerile yet embarrassing information that I pride myself on publishing.

A critic might consider it an insignificant report, but consider that a sitting United States Congressman spent a non-zero amount of time yesterday cobbling together an unvarnished love letter to a low-rent, pervert blogger in the form of a customized Spotify playlist:

As my old colleague Ramzy Nasrallah is fond of saying: The antithesis of love isn’t hate—it’s apathy.

And while I grant the Congressman that it’s a hilarious bit, it’s probably worth asking if the time spent compiling this playlist could have been better allotted in service of his 750,000 constituents? Because despite the humor, it still comes across as the actions of a small, spiraling man who is days away from embarrassing public revelations in divorce court.

But if you hate what these freaks and small-time grifters have done to Ohio, then I point to Miller’s playlist as an example of why you should invest in Rooster Worldwide LLC.

I welcome the hatred of Miller and his imaginary homies, because it means I am doing necessary work.

This mailbag is presented for free, thanks to the eternal generosity of the brave and noble soldiers in the Patriots Caucus.

As always, questions are in bold with my answers in standard text. Some questions have been lightly edited for clarity and syntax.

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Tell us another classic "I grew up in Marion" story.

During my freshman year at Marion Harding High School, my friends and I were killing time between the J.V. and varsity basketball games. And by “killing time,” I mean that we were loitering in the parking lot and throwing snowballs at passing motorists along Presidential Drive.

Before we went inside, I decided to throw one more snowball—always a fateful mistake.

The worst part was that I didn’t even hit the F-250 or whatever that came down the road. The driver saw me emerge from behind a construction fence and hit his brakes, and my snowball went whizzing past the front of his truck by about five feet.

It became evident rather quickly that the driver intended to hold court on the street. He whipped into the parking lot and accelerated in our direction.

Our immediate reaction was to attempt to run to the nearby Indian Mound Nature Trail, a secluded wooded area where this enraged maniac could have beaten us to death in private.

We ran past the tennis courts, thinking he would stop when he ran out of pavement in the parking lot. But no. I can still hear his truck beep when he swung open that door.

I’m not sure what that man was doing in Marion when he should have been playing linebacker in the NFL, judging by how fast he closed the 50-yard gap on foot.

But next thing I knew, I was skidding across the pavement when he put a forearm through my back. And I’m a big enough man to admit that, when I rolled over and he put his boot on my chest, I squirted a non-insignicant amount of shit out of my clenched asshole.

Had a woman not been walking her dog through the adjacent practice soccer field, I have no doubt that psycho would have put me in the hospital.

My friends later said they would have come back and, together, we would have whipped that man’s ass with our belts.

Reader… That’s not true. That wouldn’t have happened. They would have left me for dead, and on the off-chance they had come back, they probably would have been in the hospital next to me.

But all it took was a random woman asking that man, “Is there a problem here?” to have him come to his senses and take his boot off my chest and walk back to his truck.

My friends and I slinked back into that gymnasium like we had been ambushed by jihadis in the Korengal Valley. But not before I threw away my soiled boxers in the trash can in the men’s room.

That man would have probably changed the trajectory of my life had he whipped my ass for throwing a snowball in the vicinity of his big boy truck. But I guess we’ll never know (sorry, haters).

Deserted island, you get one other: a statewide, member of Congress, or majority statehouse leadership...

• Statewide Elected Official: Governor Grandpa Sleepy Tea. He would be a terrible survival partner from a physical standpoint. But we could pass a lot of time exchanging political war stories—after he admitted that HB-6 went to the top, of course.

• Member of Congress: Senator Bernie Moreno. This was the hardest decision. But say what you want about Moreno, he has that salesman juice about him. Life on an island with other members of Ohio’s Congressional delegation is about as appealing as a moldy piece of bread left out on a sidewalk.

• Majority Statehouse Leadership: Speaker Matt Huffman (R-Lima). I would psychologically damage him until he stripped ass naked and walked backward into the sea. And then, and only then, would he have had a modicum of understanding about the pain he has inflicted on our once-proud state.

Can we get an update on the sobriety stats? Money, time, and calories saved? I think people find it inspiring.

Quitting alcohol was the second-best decision of my life next to marrying Hilltop Husband, and that would not have been possible without kicking Tito’s Handmade Vodka to the curb.

I’m open about my struggles with alcohol and drugs because I’m in a position to talk about them publicly, and I know that many others can’t for various reasons. And if that’s you, I want you to know you’re not alone.

Feel free to hit me up about sobriety. I’m certainly no master, but I have been there, and I don’t judge.

Vivek Ramaswamy: Hair plugs or bald?

The many hairlines of Vivek Ramaswamy. Center: Ramaswamy in 2019.

I’m honestly surprised that Ramaswamy hasn’t sprung for hairplugs yet, since he has the money and he’s insecure about his receding hairline, as evidenced by greasing his hair straight into the air.

I wish I could place a bet on him getting hairplugs shortly after November 2026, whether as governor or some bum who just got whisked into the dustbin of history.

As a Cincy Catholic school grad, I've met my fair share of Ramaswamys: hyper-ambitious, sycophantic bandwagoners. I feel like I'm going insane. I get he's just saying whatever the base wants, but how does the MAGA voting base buy what he's selling?

They think Black and brown people are eating pets and "poisoning" the blood of the nation. Yet this pump-and-dump scam artist has beaten the state's top cop (Yost) and potentially someone who won a natty in the state's most important job (Tressel). It doesn't make sense to me.

Because Ramaswamy carries the Complete & Total Endorsement of President Business Deals. It’s that simple.

And Ramaswamy can successfully campaign for governor in Ohio without ever having to debate or sit for a hostile interview, thanks to the right-wing media apparatus that the billionaire class built for precisely that reason.

Look at this tripe he got away with on Fox News the other night:

We could fix that insolvency overnight by slightly increasing taxes on the ultrawealthy. But instead Ramaswamy gets away with pitching fantastical, pie-in-the-sky ideas like “creating a generation so wealthy they’ll never have to depend on federal entitlements.”

Tressel is the only Republican that could possibly stop this train. And I am increasingly skeptical he could even if he did enter the race.

How does it feel to be a lightweight celebrity in Columbus?

Ha. I’m in a good spot where only the biggest sickos in the city recognize me when I’m out and about but I’m never like, swarmed at the grocery store or anything absurd.

It’s bittersweet knowing it will never be better than it is right now in that regard, because this project is just getting started.

How did you get your start doing this?

I wrote about it last year.

The short story is that I have a very particular set of skills, and it’s culminated in a hobby that has spiraled beyond my wildest dreams.

If you could pursue another vocation (excluding what you've done before!!), what would it be?

If I had taken my education seriously, I’d like to think I’d be a criminal defense attorney. But I probably would have made a beeline toward the drug dealers and inevitably embroiled myself in a Saul Goodman situation.

My friends are pushing me to get involved in local politics but I have skeletons in my closet and would rather not have them dragged screaming into the light. Nothing on the level of Rodney Creech (yuck), but I wasn't always the nicest person in my drug and alcohol fueled youth. Any advice?

Well, even if you were a literal angel, your opponents would fabricate lies about you.

To me, the only irredeemable sins for wannabe politicians are murder, sexual assault or physical domestic violence.

Otherwise, Americans love a redemption story as long as you are contrite and honest, though your enemies will also use your addiction against you no matter how far in that past you did that shit.

But we need more good, albeit imperfect, people in politics. Because if all those people remain on the sidelines, we’ll be stuck with power-hungry, sociopathic jackals.

If I were you, I would try to reconnect with people you may have wronged in the past. Not because you want to run for office. But just because you want to apologize to them.

Some people might tell you to go fuck yourself. And that’s their right. All you can do is make an earnest and forthright apology to them. It will go a long way on your psyche, if nothing else.

As for the rest? We live in a time when George Santos lied about his entire life and managed to get elected to Congress. Don’t think you will have to re-litigate every mistake in your life to run for local office. You won’t.

Why do you think Sherrod Brown believes Amy Acton is best bet for LG? I just don’t see her helping his ticket in places that aren’t already Dem. Even those in suburbs who would support her already support him. Can she get support where Dems need it, like in rural areas? Or is the idea she would drive voter turnout more than he could alone.

Well, the Lieutenant Governor doesn’t matter. The Lieutenant Governor nominee does not animate a significant number of voters.

My thinking is that Acton’s campaign has been pulled primarily from Brown’s former staff. Acton’s a talented fundraiser and retail politician, and she has no bigger fan in Ohio than Sherrod’s wife, Connie Schultz.

I don’t think Sherrod will enter the race and throw Acton to the wolves. I think they’ll strike a similar alliance like Mike DeWine and Jon Husted, who has a pocket pussy where his brain is supposed to be, struck in 2018, where Acton could transfer her war chest to Brown.

And, to be clear, that’s all speculation—other than the part about Husted having a pocket pussy where his brain is supposed to be.

Former State Representative Jon Cross and his replacement, Taxin’ Ty Matthews

What do we think of The Kenton Solider’s replacement, Ty Matthews? Haven’t heard much from or about him in district; he’s definitely not in the limelight like Cross was.

Unfortunately for Matthews, the moniker that Cross’s campaign bestowed upon him, “Taxin’ Ty Matthews” was an all-timer. Whenever I see him in the halls at the Statehouse, I squeal, “Taxin’ Ty Matthews!” like I’m a seven-year-old seeing Santa Claus in the flesh.

But politics aside, I have no problem with Matthews other than him being a West Ham supporter, which is still more honorable than Americans who choose to support one of the Big Six clubs in the English Premier League.

You’re not hearing much from Matthews because he’s smart. Speaker Huffman likes his freshmen to be seen and not heard. But Matthews is no coward; he doesn’t run from the camera. I’ll try to get him for a quick interview next time I see him. He does have to explain his Browns stadium votes, now that I think about it.

I am intrigued by your "ban cars in cities" idea. I don't know if banning cars from all of Cleveland is practical, but I hate driving downtown, so when I go to a game in Cleveland, I take the train. What is your proposal, exactly?

Cars ruin cities. And a defining characteristic of Columbus is sitting on a patio while some asshole blasts music and blows carbon dioxide particles all over your food as they pass on the street at 10 miles per hour above the posted speed limit.

They’re loud. They’re increasingly large. They take up space and our cities damn-near go broke trying to maintain their related infrastructure. And most people don’t have the intelligence or attention span to operate them efficiently.

I’d ban cars in cities, but perhaps more realistically, I’d highly regulate their size, and require manufacturers to use GPS units in new cars to limit the speed to no more than 25 miles per hour within city limits.

Most city residents, if they were honest with themselves, could use a golf cart for like 80 percent of their intra-city travel. Yet if you proposed that idea, the streets might run red with blood due to how much money insurance, gas and automobile rackets have spent propagandizing Americans into believing that cars are a necessity in life.

But Columbus could be a world-class city if we got rid of the urban highways and invested in mass transit and cycling infrastructure. But I’m resigned to the fact that I’ll be dead before that happens. Oh well! At least I won’t spend sizable chunks of my life enraged while driving around looking for parking like a fool.

Has Ryan Day beaten the charges? Partial acquittal?

I apologized to Day outside the Statehouse earlier this month, with a cameo from Governor Sleepy Tea. But Day still needs to beat Michigan this year, otherwise his ass is going right back on the hot seat.

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