Welcome to the October Mailbag
Answering your most burning questions ranging from Jon Husted's burnt peanut of a brain, my life as a centrist wife, and why, exactly, does Derek Merrin's face look like that?
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Welcome to the October Mailbag!
We will make the haters and losers, of which there are many, absolutely seasick with this certified banger.
Normally, I paywall half of the mailbag, which is always one of the most-read articles of the month. However, I haven’t sent a public dispatch in over two weeks, and I’m feeling generous, so none of you free-loading hogs in the parking lot can say I never gave you anything.
If you enjoy the tweets or the bust-up videos, I’d be honored if you helped sustain the project that makes it possible, which is this humble newsletter:
Now is a great time to subscribe if you’re on the fence about taking the plunge. Next month’s election date only marks the start of the horrors during the Lame Duck session.
Thank you to everyone who submitted a question. I’ll answer a couple left over in Friday’s Rooster in Review.
As always, questions are bolded, and my response follows in normal-sized text.
Are you comfortable sharing information about how many legislators, lobbyists, reporters, government drones and other sycophants around Capitol Square and city halls are subscribers/regular Rooster readers?
I don’t look at who subscribes, unsubscribes, or anything else.
I prefer to keep posting and let The Business Line continue to rise. (Had I known what quitting vodka would do for the operation in that regard, I would have done that years ago. Alas.)
But numerous state legislators, lobbyists, assorted City Hall gremlins, and pervert politicos (such as myself) have told me they subscribe if out of entertainment or curiosity, if nothing else.
At the very least, you’d be hard-pressed to find a state politician who isn’t aware of the Twitter account, which is a point of pride considering that this was merely the operation of a cantankerous drunkard a little over two years ago.
My following comes from a humorous and unique writing style that transcends typos or syntax goofs. Politicians, lobbyists and traditional media members are bound by pesky little things like decorum and etiquette—but not me!
In that regard, I’m the most honest man on Capitol Square.
What is the latest on Jena Powell? I used to live in her district and have followed her since. Who will be next to represent her district? Is it possible they will be worse?
I got three questions about my old friend State Rep. Jena Powell (R- “Arcanum”), who kicked my ass in my failed House run back in 2018. (You can watch the critically acclaimed documentary over here.)
I combined two of them into the question you see above. The third was more of a comment that Powell used to funnel campaign donations into her family billboard business, which is true but also entirely legal in the Wild Wild West of Ohio campaign finance laws.
For those unaware, Powell quit like a dog rather than seek a fourth term for which she would have been a shoo-in. Last I heard, she had taken a job with a national anti-abortion group, which will give her more time to gallivant around the world with her rich realtor husband as they continue to amass their house-flipping empire.
Jonathan Newman, a Holy Roller pastor from Troy, initially filed as Powell's primary opponent. He filed mere minutes before the deadline and told at least one Troy City Council member that he knew the kind of campaign it would take to unseat Powell.
But it was all a ruse! Newman filed that late because he knew Powell would drop out, leaving him with (basically) a free ride into the Ohio Legislature. Powell did this as an F-U to Miami County GOP bosses like Bud O’Brien and State Senator Steve Huffman (R-Tipp City) and to keep the seat in the anti-abortion zealotry circle.
Can Newman be worse? Well, in politics, it can always be worse.
Powell could have been somebody in politics. However, as disgraced lobbyist (and former campaign manager) Jeff Longstreth said, “She chose to be nobody.”
And given that she spent most of her spare time traveling to luxurious ski resorts while residing in Mason—75 miles outside her district—she was absentee representation for over 100,000 citizens while collecting a state paycheck and benefits package:
We’ll see what kind of juice Newman has. I’m skeptical of his ability, but I don’t know much about him besides his religious worldview, which totally aligns with Powell's.
As for The Bust Up List, I’ll give him the decency to offer him a chance to do things the easy way.
But if he wants to run like a bug, we can do things the hard way, too, because I have zero respect for the inside baseball he used to assume power in the Ohio House of Representatives. It’s not how government is supposed to function.
Alright Rooster - you’ve thrown me for another loop: dropping bisexual into your description of yourself.
Hilltop Husband is actually your spouse who you’ve indicated is of the female gender. So now I’m kind of confused. Help a QIA kid out.
Signed, closeted queer (questioning)
Don’t worry, my friend. You’re not alone. “DJ Byrnes husband” is the first query when you type my name into Google.
But yes, Hilltop Husband is a wickedly intelligent, beautiful and chaotic bisexual who also happens to be a woman. Our unorthodox marriage would have killed the average Pilgrim to contemplate.
Things like “wife” and “husband” are completely fabricated concepts, and there’s no reason a man can’t be the wife—it’s a role I was born to play. I love being a centrist wife!
As for queerness, I always go back to the famous quote from James Baldwin:
“You have to go the way your blood beats. If you don’t live the only life you have, you won’t live some other life; you won’t live any life at all.”
If you want to be gay, do it! It doesn’t have to be for a lifetime. It can be for a night. Only you can define your sexuality.
Don’t let anybody steal your happiness. And anybody in your life who doesn’t accept your decision, whatever it may be, is a natural-born loser who you won’t miss anyway.
Why does the Columbus Regional Airport hate public transit so much? We are the worst-served mid-sized airport in the USA for public transit.
Well, one problem is local Democrats have appointed a bunch of Republicans to the Regional Airport Authority Board.
However, the other problem is that parking is the No. 1 income stream for the airport. When viewed through that lens, it makes sense why Columbus has inadequate public transit lines to the airport—it’d cut into their golden goose.
Instead, we get headlines like airport management approving the construction of a $178 million parking garage that won’t be built with union labor, thanks to the Republicans on the Regional Airport Authority Board.
Get threaded for the hog rebellion! Order your anti-gerrymandering shirt today!
Do you like how I slipped this advertisement right into the copy? It’s a time-tested tactic in this little business of mine.
Anyway, be sure to order your hog voter t-shirt, as time is of the essence before we overthrow the Ohio Legislature this month.
Just click the image to buy!
Who’s running for Columbus City Schools board in 2025? Should I run?
Every member of the Columbus City School Board who is not named “Sarah Ingles” would have already resigned if they had an iota of shame.
I have not heard about anyone running yet, as we’re in the middle of an election cycle. But yes, you should run—especially if you’re “Hot Meg” from Twitter.
Where should the Browns move to?
They should be liquidated and removed from the NFL permanently. It’s a deeply diseased organization that an ancient, angry god has blighted.
If you could only pick ONE race in this upcoming election to go your way, which would you choose?
Whew, boy. This is a lot tougher than I thought at first glance.
When you say race, I’ll assume you mean a contest between two candidates and not a yes-or-no statewide ballot initiative like Issue 1—which would otherwise be my answer.
I’ll go with Sherrod Brown. Nothing will fundamentally change in this country until we end the filibuster and reckon with the unelected, corrupt Supreme Court.
Adding Puerto Rico and Washington D.C. to the states would be a major step in that direction, but it won’t happen as long as the Republicans control the upper chamber.
With the Supreme Court judges’ party affiliation listed on the ballot any chance the Hog Voters of Ohio will flip the court to the Democrats?
Well, it’s certainly a nice thought!
But I have bad news about the Ohio hog voter. I doubt they have many opinions on the Supreme Court races or know that Democrats could flip the court.
They will most likely reach the end of the ballot, and it will be a matter of who they revile more: Republicans or Democrats.
In this state, for better or worse, that answer has been the Democrats for pretty much my entire adult life, save for the likes of Rep. Marcy Kaptur (D-Toledo) or Senator Sherrod Brown, who have decades of public service attached to their brands.
Why is Derek Merrin’s face shaped like that?
It will sound like I made it up, but minutes after this question came through the hotline… Hilltop Husband saw my tweet with the video of Merrin laughably claiming he would earn votes from Democratic voters and asked, “Why does Merrin’s face look like that?”
I think that’s the price Merrin has to pay for failing to treat anyone under him with kindness or respect despite living his entire life with a golden spoon lodged against his tonsils.
Who would win the heavyweight title fight between Gary Click and Niraj Antani?
Listen… if I won the Mega Millions, I would use a sliver of the proceeds to start a Statehouse gambling service, and part of that operation would include bare-knuckle boxing matches by the dumpster out back.
If we sold tickets and took bets on Rep. Click vs. Senator Antani, we could repave every inch of Columbus roads in 24K gold. I am not joking, either. It would be the most viewed event in the history of the Ohio Channel.
That said… I would be betting on my old friend, Senator Antani. He’s younger, nimbler, and has more stamina.
Will not going after FirstEnergy harder ultimately cost Dave Yost his gubernatorial bid?
No. Republican primary voters have repeatedly shown that they don’t care about corruption because politicians being crooks isn’t breaking news for them.
I think Yost is cooked because he has a weak aura. Unlike Husted, his campaign won’t be flush with cash. But I think they both will lose to Vivek Ramaswamy, the guy we once tricked into a public appearance in a Raisin’ Canes parking lot.
Don’t welcome that result, either.
Ohio is dumb enough to make Vivek Ramaswamy the governor in an off-year election cycle.
Will you be filling out a sample ballot?
No. My operation is still reeling from endorsing that total loser Brandon Simmons for the Columbus City School Board last fall.
Please consult the illustrious Senator Meow and his Sample Meowlet for an idea of how I’ll vote on Election Day.
Who is the most dangerous person elected to the Ohio Statehouse (physical, not legislative danger)?
I guess it depends on what you mean by “dangerous.”
In terms of someone who has made me think I was on the verge of realizing my dream of getting sucker punched, that’s State Rep. Scott Wiggam (R-Wooster), a notorious hothead whom I would love to sue into oblivion before his fist left my melon-sized skull.
In terms of “dangerous” as somebody you’d want on your side in a back-alley fight… I’ll go with House Finance Chairman Jay Edwards (R-Nelsonville). Them Appalachian boys usually know how to carry themselves in such affairs.
Rank the Ohio State football kickoff times: 12pm, 3:30pm, 7:30/8pm. Can be different based on attending the game, covering the game, or watching on television.
I used to be a night game freak because I enjoyed cloaking my alcoholism in tailgating activities. But then I started covering the team and became a disciple of the noon kickoff.
That’s where I have stayed despite no longer covering the team in any capacity. I’d much rather watch the game and then get on with my day rather than deal with carrying that anxiety for big games or the elongated commercial breaks of the later kicks.
Two weeks out… is Kamala going to do the thing or screw it up?
I’m in a small minority of leftists that don’t feel good about the campaign Harris has run in recent weeks—Liz Cheney, seriously?—but still think she will win.
The Democratic Party has a coward problem from the top down, so I suspect I will read plenty of articles about how Harris is on the verge of becoming Hillary Clinton 2.0 over the next 13 days.
And make no mistake. she could lose thanks to the slaveholder math that is the Electoral College. I’m not saying it’s an impossibility. But I will keep the faith until proven otherwise.
Have you and Hilltop Husband been to Emelio’s lately? I am jealous how close you are to Antipasti Salad.
Funny you should ask. I was biking on the Camp Chase Trail earlier this week and conceived Emelio’s for the first time. I noted it looked like a bar at which I would have spent a lot of time and money during my days of active alcoholism.
Hilltop Husband is taking me out to dinner on Thursday night, but I’m not allowed to ask questions about the destination because, apparently, that will only lead to more questions.
I don’t think it will be to Emelio’s. If it’s not, we’ll have to make that trip soon enough.
The heavyset guy from Kenton whose house burned down, is ok? Was it arson?
You speak of State Rep. Jon Cross (R-Findlay), who, it must be said, is looking quite svelte these days!
Yes, his house burned down in January, and he moved his family to Findlay. He’s fine, other than he lost his seat in the Republican primary in March.
There is no evidence of arson, though Cross and his insurance company are currently in litigation over the payout. If he did burn it down for the insurance money, that would be one of the coolest things ever done by an Ohio legislator in as long as I can remember.
But in all seriousness, I’m looking forward to seeing him at the Lame Duck Session—I’m going to pitch a podcast to him.
Will Frank LaRose ever win another election after demonstrating himself to be bereft of any semblance of character or sense of duty to the Constitution or his fellow citizens? What will he run for next?
LaRose is stepping back in his political career by running for Auditor in 2026.
Whether he wins depends on a couple of things. If Trump loses in November, it will be because the election was stolen in the right-wing alternate version of reality.
That would put LaRose in the unfavorable position of being unable to deny that it was stolen while telling voters that none of that theft happened in Ohio. It won’t be an enviable position.
Thanks to LaRose’s disastrous Senate run, his candidacy won’t do anything to dissuade any legitimate Republican challenger, like State Rep. Brian Stewart (R-Ashville), who might be interested in the job, either.
Would love more frequent book recommendations. I have one for you: Cuba - An American History by Ada Ferrer
Cuba - An American History is actually one of the (too many) unread books I have in my possession. I’ve been to Cuba twice, and it’s a country I love to learn about.
Your message has convinced me to read that book when I finish my current kick of Columbus history.
Thank you for the nudge, and I’ll do my best to keep the book recommendations coming through giveaways to paid soldiers in The Patriots Caucus.
If the GOP finally banishes you from Ohio, where would you live?
The great nation of Ireland since Hilltop Husband is a dual citizen.
But if I had to stay in America, I’d move to Chicago, Detroit or Washington D.C.
You moving out of the country still? Hilltop Husband nix that?
There are no concrete plans at the moment.
Hilltop has a genius nine-year-old son whom she wants to finish third grade in America at the very least.
What happens after that remains to be seen, but given the continued success of The Rooster—and this is something I can’t believe I’m about to say—I’m more than content to stick to the trenches for at least a few more years and move to Ireland in retirement.
Is Sherrod Brown gonna hang on for one last ride?
I changed my official forecast from “Toss Up” to “Lean D” recently.
But I am concerned about the stories I’ve heard from parents with young children who can identify Brown’s face and repeat the line, “Sherrod Brown is too liberal for Ohio.” If that stuff is working on children, it’s absolutely working on old timers sitting around mainlining television for 10 hours a day.
Still, I’ve gone from thinking Brown was cooked to thinking he has one more trick up his sleeve. And I think the hog voter will be his salvation.
What level of jail should [Ohio State head football coach] Ryan Day be sentenced to? Super Jail? Space jail?
I don’t think Day deserves prison. I believe him to be a good man.
That said, he should be a quality control coach in the NFL and not coaching the local football team, which is a Fortune 500 company.
Who do you think has gone further off the deep end: Urban Meyer or his wife Shelley?
Spinner Shellz, without a doubt. Urban can at least keep his fascist opinions to himself when he appears on national television and his podcast.
Spinner Shellz literally couldn’t stop sharing COVID disinformation during the height of the pandemic while employed by the Ohio State medical school.
I take pride in forcing Urban to take her Twitter account from her.
Not that I don't believe you, but what's the evidence for Husted being as dumb as you say he is?
Consider that Dr. Amy Acton’s future gubernatorial campaign will basically be based on stories about Husted saying the dumbest things imaginable while she was trying to help Ohio navigate the novel coronavirus.
But here’s one story, from a personal friend, that shows Husted in all his glory:
That doesn’t strike me as an intelligent guy, right? Maybe it’s just me. He’s just a jock who played football with zero concern for CTE and only went into politics because he had no other marketable skills.
Remember, for conservatives, their best and brightest usually aren’t found in public service, which they generally see as below anyone with actual talent.
And I’ve interacted with him enough by now to see that he cannot think on his feet, which is why I’ve ripped him open twice.
What would you do to get a CT scan of Jon Husted’s impossibly tiny brain?
I would do a litany of felonies and be willing to spend at least three years in prison.
But stay tuned on this front. My clerics and scholars are working around the clock to issue a fatwah against Husted as a curse on his gubernatorial campaign.
I’ve talked to enough people in politics to have some Husted stories of my own—and a CT of the CTE-marbled popsicle where his brain is supposed to be would be worth more than an impeccably researched and written 100,000-word column.
THOSE WMDs. How a Portugese fishing village tamed a 100-foot wave... A controversial rare-book dealer tries to rewrite his own ending… How George Orwell became a dead metaphor… Donald Trump is Elon Musk’s riskiest bet yet… How Israel’s army uses Palestinians as human shields in Gaza… How elderly dementia patients unwittingly fuel political campaigns.
kind of sad, no, real sad, that this mail-bag dispatch didn't include your obligatory reference to the domestic terrorist, Sen Huffman. Good work otherwise!
Vehicle theft at John Glenn international - the most accidental pro public transit video I've seen (the only one I've ever seen) https://youtu.be/lIvzDVUqKNc?si=EzegDUZtuRP-aV2U
This seems like the most inside job (my conspiracy theory) whereas either the union or the pro transit union or someone hired to do this to her vehicle. To that I say: very cool!